First of all, Happy Birthday to the best daughter in the universe, my kid, Kristina. I love you a gazillion, sweety. Have a great day!
I continually check in with my department heads here at the All John All The Time World Church, to keep abreast (or two) of news and "factoids" of information of which I, your Pope Guy, feel you should be aware. With your kind permission, I will share a few of them:
From the Aren't You Glad They Went To Euros Department-prior to the European Union switching to the "euro" as their official monetary unit, the currency of Poland was the "zloty", which is pronounced ZLATEE, I believe, (although it might be pronounced MUTORCS for all I know). Okay, so if the slang expression for our American dollars, among others, is "bucks", what the hell is the slang term for "zlotys", "cappuccinos"?
From the Mostly Useless Experts Department-did you know that the world produces 2.5 EXABYTES (and no, I have no idea how much an "exabyte" is either; I'm assuming its somewhere around a gazillion) of new information on the Internet EVERY DAY? I got this from an ad for the Jeopardy game show competition that IBM is sponsoring between its computer, which they call Watson, which doesn't make any more sense than calling it dodecahedron, and two guys who are acknowledged Jeopardy experts, whose names I forgot to write down. While it's a somewhat interesting portrayal of what computers can be programmed to do, to my mind, with all due respect, the only thing more useless than an expert on the game show Jeopardy is a cat (see my post from yesterday, 2/20/11). (I have learned since I wrote this post that Watson, the IBM computer, won the contest. Bad enough to be the repository of all that useless information, but then to get your butt kicked by a machine on top of it, boy, that's brutal.)
From the (Air)Plane Geometry Department-that the "dodecahedron" is "a solid figure with twelve plane faces". Just thought you'd want to know.
From the Really Old But Still Pretty Good Literature Department-I have always thought that Lilliput, which is the name of the tiny country inhabited by wee, tiny people in Jonathon Swift's wonderful satirical novel "Gulliver's Travels" would be a great term for a short golf shot. Or a shotput using flowers.
From the Script Rewrite Department-the line "...lions and tigers and bears, oh my..." from the movie "The Wizard Of Oz" would have been a lot funnier, and a lot closer to the truth of the situation, if it went "...lions and tigers and bears, oh shit...".
From the No Way That Was An Accident Department-did you know that last Monday, as well as being Valentine's Day, was also National Condom Day, and you know that was done on purpose by the National Condom Society, because it was too funny to have been unintentional, and if it was inintentional, it was hysterical.
From the Unconscious Slip Department-and that also last Monday, one of my Facebook friends posted this status: "Happy VD", and decorum would not allow me to post back "...and a Merry Syphilis to you too...".
From the Completely Stupid Ideas Department-the State of Mississippi is considering issuing specialty license plates this year honoring and commemorating Nathan Bedford Forrest, who is generally known for three things; one, he was one of the Confederacy's leading generals in the Civil War, two, he was one of the original founders of the Ku Klux Klan and three, that the eponymous character Forrest Gump was named after him. I'd be curious to know which achievement Mississippi is honoring him for; I'm assuming its for his inadvertent connection to the movie, because if its for his generalship or his involvement in the KKK, something tells me that there will be a WHOLE lot of people in the State of Mississippi who will not be pleased, and that's all I'm going to say about that.
From the LA Celebrity Watch Department-over 150 people got sick at a recent reception for the DOMAIN Fest Global Conference (???) that was held at the Playboy Mansion in the VERY exclusive Holmby Hills section of LA (pronounced LAH). (Holmby Hills kicks the poop outta' Beverly Hills for exclusivity, right up there, and maybe even a little ahead of Bel Air; Malibu is the actor's colony, so to speak, still haute but a bit more bohemian. People in Malibu are beach-goers as well as celebrities; people in Holmby Hills send their chauffeurs to the beach in their place.) Anyway, no one seems to be able to determine what caused all these people to contract what they believe was "legionellosis" at the Mansion (as the media refers to it our here in LA) but I'm thinking it had something to do with seeing the 137 year-old Hugh Hefner drooling all over his new wife, who just graduated from high school last year. I know it sure sickens me every time I see them together. Hef, you ever hear of aging gracefully?
From the Hypocrisy 1, Accountability 0 Department-Miley Cyrus father Billy Ray (whose Medley of His Hit would include the incredibly inane "Achy Breaky Heart"), was quoted in GQ magazine this month as saying he regretted ever having let Miley do the "Hannah Montana" series for the Disney Studios, and further that he also blames Disney for, apparently, all of Miley's recent screw-ups, including the obtaining of various tattoos in conspicuous places on her body, being pictured taking bong hits of Salvia, her pole-dancing act during her 2009 appearance at the Kid's Choice awards and her total inability to stay completely dressed for more than 10 minutes at a time, all of this from a young woman who JUST turned 18 recently (none of which actions Billy Ray, as her father, had any responsibility for whatsoever, I presume) plus the recession that the country is currently experiencing, the war in Afghanistan and the Pittsburgh Steelers loss to the Green Bay Packers in Super Bowl XFDLY2KINC, amongst others. "Hannah Montana destroyed our family", he was quoted as saying, proving that, as far as moron-level IQ is concerned, Miley the acorn did not fall far from Billy Ray the tree. They're in for a battle in the Most Stupid Father/Daughter Team category at the People's Choice Awards next year, facing stiff competition from Lindsay Lohan and her genius Pop, whatever his name is. Miley was also quoted in the article as saying how thrilled she is, now that she's 18 and can legally step on her johnson as often as she likes, to move from the Teen Idol into the Stupid Starlets category, joining the aforementioned Lindsay, Paris and Britney, who at least can sing and dance some. (Miley didn't really say that in the article; I made that part up. But the rest is true and, boy, how scary is that.)
From the You Don't Have To Be Very Bright To Be A Justin Bieber Fan-fans of the "teen sensation" Justin Bieber, a young man of dubious talent and what would appear to be some confusion about his gender, are apparently so upset that their idol didn't win the 2011 Grammy for Best New Artist, which in his instance would be a gross misuse of the term "artist", that they have taken to posting nasty and vitriolic comments on the WikiPedia page of the actual winner of the award, a wonderfully gifted young woman by the name of Esperanza Spalding. Ms. Spalding is a very talented vocalist who accompanies herself on the standup bass, which for those of you who are unfamiliar with it, is an incredibly difficult instrument for anyone to master, especially for a woman, because of the size of both the bass and the typical woman's hands. Ms. Spalding, whose instructor was the legendary John Lockwood, has become proficient on the bass to the point where she has been named a professor at the Berklee College of Music, and has been linked musically to such jazz greats as Pat Metheny and Patti Austin. Justin Bieber has done a Pepsi commercial for the Super Bowl, and, I suspect, couldn't find his butt with both hands and a map. Events like this make me despair for the future of our culture.
Well, that about wraps it up for today, kids; tune in tomorrow, same Bat time, same Bat channel, (you have to be a product of the '60s to get that allusion) for another edition of the Pope going on interminably about mostly nothing.
And hey, just for the record, why should Miley and Lindsay and Paris and Britney and Justin have all the fun? Hell, I'm capable of being just as inane as they are. (They just get paid a lot better for it, which, when you consider it from a strictly fiscal point of view, makes you wonder who the dummy is here.)
Love and useless information,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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