The Eight Dwarves

(Hey, faithful followers, how they hangin'? Your favorite Pope Guy (me) decided to rerun an essay I wrote back on April 21st of this year, which was all about the eight major (at that time) contenders for the Republican Party Presidential nomination. After yesterday's fiasco by Presidential wannabe and expert in American History, Sarah Plain And Loud, I thought another run at "The Eight Dwarves" was warranted. Buckle up, kids, it may get ugly.)

Happy Thursday, assuming its Thursday wherever you're reading this. If it isn't, happy Thursday anyway.

Normally your Pope (that would be me) doesn't "blog" about politics, at least not overtly. Yeah, okay, I take some pokes at politicos from time to time; let's face it, as goofy and ridiculous as most of our elected and wanting-to-be-elected representatives are, they're pretty easy targets. Honestly, that's just one of several reasons to not make politicians the subject of any of my essays: its just too easy. And as the leader of the All John All The Time World Church, maintaining my decorum is of vital importance to my "image", so I stay away from the mudpits of politics. Most of the time. (You guys didn't know I had an image to maintain, did you?)

But I thought this might be a time to provide a little leadership for my flock of faithful followers; hey, if the Roman Catholics, the Methodists, the Episcopalians and all the other religious "sects" can get away with paying no taxes and yet still continue to advocate for their particular candidates/issues, so can I. (The 1st Amendment of our Constitution talks about the "separation of church and state" and I think the Supreme Court has gone a long way out-of-bounds to keep the two entities distinct; the 1st also spells out the right to free speech, in no uncertain terms. That's all well and good, but for my money, if you're tax-exempt, you have no right to comment on the workings of a government that you do not support financially.)

So I was reading an op-ed piece in the L.A. Times this morning, by a guy named Doyle McManus, who I don't know a lot about, other than he writes a column for the Times several days a week, with which I often agree, but he briefly touched on each of the current "hopefuls" for the Republican Party Presidential nomination in 2012, and discussed their chances to becoming the Party nominee.

Here's the list of the potential contenders for the nod from their Party, in no particular order; FYI, the comments below are mine, not Mr. McManus':

Mitt Romney

Newt Gingrich

Tim Pawlenty

Haley Barbour

Sarah Palin

Mike Huckabee

Donald Trump

Michelle Bachmann

(I'd call them the Seven Mental Dwarves, which is obviously the diametric opposite of "mental giants", but there's eight of them; I could eliminate Donald Trump's name immediately, because he has about as much chance at securing the nomination as Harley does, and that would leave seven, but...oh well, let's go with eight and see what happens. Oh, and FYI, for those of you who haven't met him, the "Harley" in the last sentence is my sidekick, roommate and the back-up navigator onboard my atomic powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, the Harley Dog. Harley typically shuns politics as well.)

Okay, let's take them in order, though to tell the truth, I don't think it will make any difference what sequence in which I talk about them, because this is the most undistinguished looking bunch of Presidential hopefuls I have ever seen. This group makes that bunch of Einsteins from back in 2000 look like "statesmen", for goodness sake.

Mitt Romney-

            I cannot vote for a person who a) is named after a baseball glove and b) is a member of a religion that was founded by a guy who claimed to find "golden" tablets from heaven that were left on earth in upper NY state with instructions to form a religion; by the way, the guy's name was Joseph Smith and the "angel" that led him to the golden tablets was named Moroni. (I assume the angel was Italian.) This is the guy you want meeting with other world leaders, people like Putin of Russia, Sarkozy of France, Sheen of Hollywood, (???) and Ahmadinejad of Iran? Sorry, but Mitt strikes me as a lightweight totally out of his class. And there's going to be a lot of Tea-Partiers out there who won't want him as their "guy" because of the health-care plan he pushed through the Massachusetts legislature when he was governor of that state a few years ago; it's too much like "Obamacare" for those folks, and Mitt can't explain how it came to be in his state. No, not Mitt, not ever.

Newt Gingrich-

            Is "Newt" short for "Newton" or what? And is this the guy all the witches go see when they need an "eye of newt" for their various spells and potions? Does Newt have more than two eyes? Is there one in the back of his head? (As a kid I was convinced my mother had eyes in the back of her head; they made a nice offset to the third boob she had growing on her chin.) Newt has a number of ex-wives, and in fact, no one is quite sure how many, and he was accused of having a "dalliance" while he was married with one of his staff members (I'm assuming a female type), back during the days of the Bill Clinton mess, and was roundly criticized for criticizing BC for his inability to keep his johnson in his pants, when it was obvious that Newt couldn't behave himself any better than that douche-bag Clinton. Serious case of the pot calling the kettle green. (???) What staunch, upstanding Christian right-wing conservative is going to vote for Newt? He probably has a little better chance at being nominated than "the Donald", but not much. Mostly I think he exists to provide a noisy background for the other "candidates".

Tim Pawlenty-

            Governor of Minnesota? Isn't that the same state that elected Jesse "The Body" Ventura as their governor a few years ago? Is this the same guy that doesn't want the national debt ceiling raised AND has a problem with where President Obama was born, after the State Of Hawaii has provided NUMEROUS samples of Obama's birth certificate, showing him to be a natural-born citizen, and yet this is the signature issue that Pawlenty wants us to know him by in these early stages of the campaign? Come on, Tim, how about we talk about meaningful deficit reduction, a comprehensive health care law, some kind of effective national policy on immigration, jobs and Wall Street or any of the other gazillion important problems for which this country needs answers. We've got plenty of serious issues to address without manufacturing one as stupid as "the President was born in Lower Zimbabwe and doesn't qualify to be President because he isn't native-born". Geez.

Haley Barbour-

            Former successful Washington lobbyist, former head of the Republican National Committee, current governor of Mississippi, suspected racist and general blowhard. You know, if Barbour becomes the GOP standard-bearer, then all the Democrats in the country should rejoice. For an election that is taking place in the midst of a national trend against "politics as usual" (see the landslide for the Republicans in the 2008 Congressional elections), he has all the wrong credentials (see above). I'm no expert (on politics; I am expert at gerbil golf) but this guy, beyond the obvious baggage of his "position" on race, is a non-starter. Okay, he has the Klan vote, but what else? No, this Dwarve is fooling himself with his aspirations.

            Thank God.

Sarah Palin-

            On the several occasions I have mentioned Ms. Palin in one of my posts, I have referred to her as Sarah Plain And Loud, a takeoff on the Glenn Close made-for-TV movie from a few years ago that was called "Sarah, Plain And Tall". Actually, I'm rather hoping that the Snacilpuber Ytrap  (that's Republican Party backwards) nominate her; between Sarah, her husband, Mr. Sarah, her unwed teenage mother, spokesperson for "teen abstinence" and social gadfly daughter, Bristol and her occasionally spotted-in-the-background ex-boyfriend and father to her son, Tripp, Levi Johnston, plus the revolving cast of characters from her home state of Alaska, yeah, I figure SPAL is good for a ongoing laugh riot if she is nominated.

            And I can't imagine why anyone would have a problem with Sarah as Presidential material just because her elected experience begins and ends with the mayorship of a small Alaskan town and her abbreviated term as Governor of Alsaka, which she cut short by her own volition. She has no foreign policy, other than saying that she can see Russia from her backdoor; she has no domestic policy, other than being a "mama grizzly", which I assume means she is furry, weighs in excess of eight hundred pounds and has breath that would knock a vulture off a meat wagon. And although I can't provide proof for this assertion, I'm pretty sure she has the IQ of soap. Yeah, Sarah, you'll get my vote.

Mike Huckabee-

            What makes you think he's any better now than he was in 2008 when he ran the first time and couldn't get nominated? If you want Christian fundamentalism as the guiding light that directs the actions of your next President, Mike is your man. Hey, it shouldn't be a problem that his only claim to fame is having been Governor of the worst state in the Union for a couple of years? (That's Arkansas, by the way, although it didn't hurt Scum-Bag Bill any back in 1992.) Once again, no foreign policy, no intelligent domestic policy, other than "more Bibles in our schools" and minimal background for the position he desires. Great candidate, folks.

Michelle Bachmann-

            Lots of mouth in such a small package. Another "Tea Party" hopeful. Slightly better chance than "the Donald" for securing the nomination, but not much. She's actually more strident than SPAL, if that's possible.

Donald Trump-

            Please tell me you're kidding. Please. I don't care how much money this guy has made, and believe me, despite the opinions of most of the people in this country, the ability to make a lot of money doesn't necessarily translate to high intelligence, political competence or astuteness, Donald Trump has about as much business being President as my dog. And I'd trust Harley a lot further; I'm pretty sure he's not a crook. Donald? Not as sure.

Since I didn't advocate for any of the above "candidates", but merely discussed their various "qualifications", I feel that I didn't abuse the church/state separation thing. I might have screwed with the boundaries of good taste, but that's nothing out of the ordinary; hell, I do that every time I write a post.

I hope the open and frank examination of the aspiring Republican Party presidential nominees has and will help you in making your choices for our next leader. I just hope, fervently, that the next President of the United States is as good at his job as I am at mine. (And as good-looking.)

You know, it just occurred to me...President Pope John The Tall. You have to admit, it has a nice ring. And if I got the gig, I wouldn't have to buy a new Popemobile either; they already have several of those huge limos in which they drag the President around, so I wouldn't need one.

Oh, and ready for this...Vice President Harley Dog.

Hey, we elected that total sleaze-bag Spiro Agnew VP back in '68, how would Harley be any worse than that? At least Harley isn't taking kickbacks from construction firms in Maryland. Although that new diamond-studded collar he just got recently makes you wonder.

Never mind, I'm too honest.

Love and ballots,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

The NO BULLetin

(It's "Rerun Day" here at the blog of the Pope Guy of the All John All The Time World Church; didn't have a topic for today and decided to give all my wonderful and terribly good-looking followers another crack at the essay I originally posted on 4/11, below. Enjoy.)

 

Okay, race fans, its...Dah..Dah..Dah..DAH..."Announcements" time again; that's right, all you loyal followers of yours truly, the Pope Guy, the All John All The Time World Church must occasionally make its followers, all several of them, aware of its activities, just like any other church; that's why we have announcements. (And you thought we had Announcements just so the Church could sell ad space, didn't you? Cynics.)

Anyway, in no particular order:

*Woman's Club To Host Candidate*

            The President of the Woman's Club of the AJATTWC, Sister May Flowers, would like to invite all the ladies in the Church to plan to come hear potential Presidential candidate Sarah Plain And Loud, give an address on "Child Rearing In A Democratic, Liberal, Slutty World" next Tuesday evening, 4/4/4/4, at 36:15ppm, or Star Date 7563.22, in the Church Meeting Hall. Ms. Plain And Loud will share stories of her experiences as a "mama grizzly" and talk about how the repulsive, sickening lack of morals and values of the sleazy, disgusting liberal Democrats in this country pose a threat to the well-being and proper, Christian upbringing of our children. She will further tell of her battles with her own kids over having proper attitudes, the proper manner of dress and actions and living a decent, moral and most importantly, chaste life, and how she failed so miserably with her own daughter, Bristol.

Refreshments will be served afterwards, and Sister May asked that all you ladies who plan to attend contact her about bringing a covered dish (preferably with something in it to eat).

FYI, Ms. Plain And Loud waived her usual $75,000 speaking fee for this appearance, but asks that donations be made to the AJATTWC-sponsored charity, the Home For The Chronically Bewildered, where her daughter, Bristol, was recently committed.

*A Warning*

            Brother Willy Ficksit, fellow AJATTWCian and owner of the Mr. Ficksit's Auto Repair and Spa, has asked that we pass on the following public service announcement:

            Please make sure you check your car for squirrels before you drive.

That's right, hockey-lovers, err, brothers and sisters, please make sure to check under the hood of your car periodically to ensure that squirrels haven't nested in your engine compartment. Brother Willy said that a fellow garage owner passed on a news report to him from Braintree MA that told of a woman who was having trouble with her car and took it in to her mechanic to be looked at. After a thorough examination, she was told that squirrels had built a nest in the engine compartment, and that, given the fact that the furry little devils had chewed through much of the engine's wiring, she was extraordinarily lucky that the engine, and the whole car, hadn't caught fire.

Brother Willy also said that anyone who would like a free squirrel inspection of their vehicle can bring the car into his shop any weekday before 5:00pm. (Mr. Ficksit's closes at 5:00pm when the spa opens.) FYI, the "squirrel inspection" is free, however, there will be a "hazardous material removal" fee of $150 for any vehicle that has nesting animals.

*Legal News*

            Brother O. Boy Dewey, partner at the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, and chairman of the Church's Legal Department, has also asked that a public service announcement be made in The NO BULLetin, concerning uterusesuses, uhh, sorry, uteruses, and their incorporation.

            Brother Boy urges any of the ladies of the Church who are concerned with losing control over their reproductive rights to follow the suggestion of the ACLU in Florida and incorporate your uterus. (Your spleen can continue to be a sole proprietorship.) According to Brother Boy, the organization recently launched a website, www.IncorporateMyUterus.com, that will explain all the issues involved, including such topics as corporate taxation of your uterus, ensuring your uterine corporation has proper legal representation, how to avoid a hostile takeover of your corporation by a partnership led by your gall bladder, and many others. The website also explains how men can incorporate an "honorary uterus".

            Brother Boy also reports that the lawsuit involving the Church's "tax exempt" status, ~U.S. v That Lyin' Sack Of Camel Poop PJTT and the AJATTWC~, is still pending and should come to trial sometime in the next 300 hundred years. For the newer members of the Church, this lawsuit stems from the investigation by the U.S. Department Of Justice into remarks made by your Pope Person that were perceived as "political". Its blatant harassment, and is probably the result of an extreme case of envy on their part. (Serious sarcasm starts here.) I mean, why would the DOJ have a problem with an organization that doesn't pay ONE PENNY in taxes, that is dedicated to the spiritual and moral well being of their congregations, having political opinions and trying to sway their congregation to its way of thinking? Why is that a problem? (Okay, sarcasm all gone.)

            (Your Pope apologizes for the sarcastic editorial comments in the last paragraph (above); I've been told by the Bored of Elders that I may not editorialize in The NO BULLetin, and I forgot, and I'm sorry, and I won't do it again ever. I promise.)

*The AJATTWC's Second Annual Gerbil Golf Outing*

            Men's Club President Brother Bill Collector is pleased to announce that the Church's Second Annual Gerbil Golf Outing will take place on Saturday, 5.3/69, with the first tee time at 8:8:9. All of you gerbil golfers who would like to participate need to put their names (and handicap) on the sign-up sheet in the Church office. Since this is a fund-raising event, as well as a great time, $75 of the $100 "greens fee" for each player will be donated to the Home For The Chronically Bewildered, with the remaining $25 going directly to the Popemeister, to cover expenses and provide beer.

            And folks, please let's not have a repeat of last year's unfortunate incident involving hamsters. The guilty parties confessed, paid for the repairs of the Church kitchen and all was forgiven (except for several really unhappy hamsters). Let's have a great tournament and a fun day.

*Wedding Plans Revealed*

            Brother Hy Waders and his wife, Sister Vanilla, are thrilled to announce that their lovely daughter, Hyram Jr., is to be married on June Umpteenth, here in the Church, to her fiancé and welding instructor, Brother Bob Upendown, son of Brother Letsgo and his lovely wife, Bouncing. The happy couple will have as their best man Mr. Ben Dover, and the maid of honor will be Sister Karen Feeding, and are registered at Sam's Dungeon and Pizza Parlor, the Doll House and WalMart.

*Teen Club Movie Party*

            Sister Deb Utant, the President of the Teens For John, the teen club of the AJATTWC, wants all the teenagers in the Church to know that the TFJ is planning a "movie party" for next Friday evening, starting with seeing the movie "Teens Aflame", a infomovie by Sarah Plain And Loud examining the horror and sluttiness and disgustingness and sinfulness of teenage...uhh, naughty stuff. After the movie, everyone is invited to attend a post-movie discussion of the ultra-right wing conservative, um, excuse me, the issues brought up in the movie. The "discussion group" will "party" here in the Church Meeting Hall, where there will ample armed chaperones. Sister Deb asks that volunteers contact her to help with refreshments.

*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*

            The Bored Of Elders of the Church asks that you patronize the local merchants who so willingly support our activities.

-The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorneys At Law

            "No case, nor fee, is too small; we're in it for the dough."

            www.MyLawyerCanWhipYourLawyer.com

-Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor

"Tie Me Up and Feed Me Pizza"

227 North Bondage Ave.

-L.A. Beautiful-"It's Time For Your Dream Body"

                        Visit us at www.labeautiful.com

                        All Types Of Plastic Surgery including:

                        -breast augmentation

                        -breast lifts

                        -male breast ("moobs") reduction

                        -hammer toe, (and "screwdriver ear")

                        -facelift

                        -tummy tuck

                        -and many others

            Receive $1000 OFF any qualified procedure with this bulletin

            Free Limo Service with qualified procedures

(The above is an actual ad that appears periodically in the L.A. Times. Other than the "bulletin" part. You can check out the website if you don't believe me. Only in LA.)

Love and hymnals,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.