WELCOME TO THE BLOG OF POPE JOHN THE TALL, LEADER OF THE ALL JOHN ALL THE TIME WORLD CHURCH


******PLEASE NOTE******

(Notice I said please.)

To those of you who are new to "the Pope" and the "AJATTWC", the following various posts are the official communications of yours truly, Pope John The Tall, or as I'm known in many circles, PJTT.

I aspired to the position of Pope of the AJATTWC several years ago, after the Roman Catholics elected Joseph Ratzinger, a German Cardinal, as their Pope; I figured if he could do it, so could I.

Despite what would seem to be a "religious" theme, I try not to play favorites: I'm satirical/irreverent about everything, in an attempt to give my readers a few yucks; that is the goal. If I haven't made you laugh, well, I tried, and I hope I'm given an "A" for the effort. (Or at least a really solid "C".)

I further hope that my faithful readers (all several of them) and any of you who wander in from the cold of the Internet, will derive much solace and spiritual awakening from my timeless prose, and, as I so often refer to it, the "soothing balm of Johnism"; if you don't, how sad for you, because I'm a pretty funny guy. (My daughter tells me, regularly, that I'm "silly"; I suspect that she's right.)

Please note that everything on my blog is meant to be fun, and in no way insulting to anyone, unless of course you're a politician, then you can assume I intended to insult you. (Hey, it goes with the job, guys; if you can't take the heat, then the harder they fall.)

Never mind.

Anyway, welcome and thanks for stopping by; please feel free to peruse to your heart's content (there is a large archive of my past posts, going back several hundred years, in the right-hand column), and please be sure to make a large donation at the door as you leave. (It's tax-deductible.)

Speaking of leaving, as I make my exit, and probably none too soon, here's something from the Book of Excretions, Apollo 13: Dodgers 6...

"Blessed are the lazy, for although they don't accomplish much, they're well rested."

Enjoy. (Or don't, it's still a free country. It is still a free country, isn't it? They haven't changed that as far as I know, have they?)





Thursday, April 10, 2014

Is A Healthy Body An Indication Of A Diseased Mind?


Note to the folks in Ukraine...if you have any thought of tossing the Russians and their leader, Vladimir Sputnik or whatever his Commie name is, out of your country, please know this: any army whose tanks are modeled after the material for a woman's light summer dress or a ladybug is probably not going to prevail in a serious martial conflict.

Just sayin'.

Your Pope Guy (that would be me, Pope John The Tall, leader and designated hitter for the All John All The Time World Church; see explanation above, which is up for those of you who are directionally challenged), got a call the other day from Dr. Bill O'Lading, who is the director for the AJATTWC-sponsored charity, the Home For The Chronically Bewildered; Dr. Bill, which considering what medical costs are these days, seems like a truly fitting name, wanted to know why we hadn't done a "Dr. Bill's Health Tits" column in such a long time.

I had to admit to him that the fault was mine, that frankly, I just hadn't thought about it, what with my day-to-day duties as Popemeister, fundraising for the Church, playing baseball with my grandsons, soliciting donations for the Church, looking for an apartment, trying to raise money for the Church, general stuff, fundraising for the Church, etc., I just forgot.

To quote one of my favorite comedians, Ron White, I made a mistake, that ever happen to you, 'cause it happened to me.

Ring...ring...ring...

Shit, there goes the Popephone, hang on a minute...

"PJTT"..."hey, Mike, what's up?"..."I did?"..."oh, yeah, I see it"..."almost slobbered a bibful there, didn't I?"..."yeah, I'll fix it up right now"..."you see the Dodgers game last night?"..."good game, they beat the Tigers 3-2 in 10"..."okay, gotta' go, gotta' finish this post"..."hey, we still on for Hooters later?"..."okay, cool"..."yeah, no problem".

That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one who owns the Charlotte Bobcats); he noticed a small typo in the third paragraph that he thought that maybe, I should correct.

"Dr. Bill's Health TIPS".

Sorry.

Anyway, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted? Oh yeah, Dr. Bill's questions as to why we haven't done a "Dr. Bill's...never mind.

So without any further delay, or maybe not much of one, here is your favorite purveyor of news that will make your body healthy and sexy...well, healthy maybe...

DR. BILL'S HEALTH TIPS

Hey, sports fans and all you other unhealthy folks out there in AJATTWCLand, Dr. Bill here, with a whole bunch of ideas and tips for you on how to keep your body looking trim and your mind parked in neutral; let's get to the mail and start answering your questions right away...

~Dear Dr. Bill:
            I'm a young woman in my late 20's and, sorry to say, I'm built like a 5th grade boy; I've been thinking about having my breasts enlarged but I'm afraid of suffering any residual effects, like maybe they'll fall off when I turn 60 or something. I'm getting really tired of being mistaken for a 3-iron. What can you tell me about this procedure?
            Signed: Flat As A Board In Boston

Dear "Board":
            This is a question I often get from young women who have been given less than a shirtful by Ma Nature; as you can see from the photo and link below, this type of surgery is becoming more popular all the time, and it's become so common that most of the problems that plagued women who had "breast augmentation" in the past are now history. As you can also tell, many celebrities are even willing (and apparently anxious) to brag about their "enhancements", to the point of nausea for the rest of us.
            If it will give you a better self-image, then I would say go for it; believe me, like most guys, I'm all in favor of women having big boobs, real or otherwise.

~Dear Dr. Bill:
            I recently stuck my nose into a place where it didn't belong (long story) and, well, now I'm faced with a future where I won't be able to tell when my wife is baking brownies or if the dog farted. Dr. Bill, I need help: is there anything I can do to improve my looks, short of breast augmentation?
            Signed: My Life Stinks And I Can't Smell It

Dear "Stinks":
            Modern medicine rides to the rescue! See the link below for an answer to your problem, and take heart...it could have been another protuberance that you lost, and losing your sense of smell would have seemed like a vacation in Jamaica in comparison, had that happened.

~Dear Dr. Bill:
            I have a problem with my eyes...my family and friends say I look like an alien from the planet Zatox. I need to know if there is a surgical procedure that could be performed to correct this. I'm also considering breast augmentation, but I'll save that inquiry for another letter. Any suggestions?
            Signed: Halloween Is My Favorite Holiday

Dear "Halloween":
            It could be worse...you could have a third eye in the middle of your forehead, like my ex-girlfriend had. At least all three of her eyes were blue. No, as far as I know, there is no procedure to alleviate this condition, short of having your eyeballs removed, which would make it difficult for you to cross streets or use Twitter. How about sunglasses?

~Dear Dr. Bill:
            I understand that there are certain foods that increase brain activity and function; I'm wondering if you can provide me with a list of things I can eat that will make me smarter.
            Signed: Seven Feet Tall With A Midget IQ

Dear "Midget":
            Good thing you had Kobe all those years, huh, genius? Although I know of no foods that will improve IQ, try eating constantly...that way, your mouth will always be full and no one will know from your remarks what a moron you are.

~Dear Dr. Bill:
            My kids were out playing in a field near our home here on Three Mile Island recently, and came home with a rash of some sort; as you can see from the photo I've attached, the rash has spread. Is there any kind of ointment I can put on this?
            Signed: I Also Wonder Why Our Dog Glows In The Dark

Dear "Glow":
            No, I know of no topical application that would work on this condition, but I do know a movie producer that would love to talk to you.

~Dear Dr. Bill:
            I have a skin condition that my doctor tells me isn't contagious and that's it's all right to be around my family, but here's a pic of his staff as they're coming over to the "Isolation Room" to begin my treatment; does this seem normal to you?
            Signed: Concerned In Cincinnati

Dear "Concerned":
            I'm glad you sent this inquiry in an email; if you had sent a letter, I would have burned it. But there's probably no cause for your concern; just curious though, have you ever seen the movie "The Boy In The Plastic Bubble"?

Well, lovers of good health, I'm afraid that's all the space I'm allowed to address your questions today; just remember, eat your veggies, exercise regularly and avoid nuclear power plants. Until next time, this is Dr. Bill...

Hey, Dr. Bill, thanks much for those great health tips...I know I feel better just reading them.

Not.

Love and "boob jobs",

PJTT

copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.

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