Note to the folks in Ukraine...if you have any thought of
tossing the Russians and their leader, Vladimir Sputnik or whatever his Commie
name is, out of your country, please know this: any army whose tanks are
modeled after the material for a woman's light summer dress or a ladybug is
probably not going to prevail in a serious martial conflict.
Just sayin'.
Your Pope Guy (that would be me, Pope John The Tall, leader
and designated hitter for the All John All The Time World Church; see
explanation above, which is up for those of you who are directionally
challenged), got a call the other day from Dr. Bill O'Lading, who is the
director for the AJATTWC-sponsored charity, the Home For The Chronically
Bewildered; Dr. Bill, which considering what medical costs are these days,
seems like a truly fitting name, wanted to know why we hadn't done a "Dr.
Bill's Health Tits" column in such a long time.
I had to admit to him that the fault was mine, that frankly,
I just hadn't thought about it, what with my day-to-day duties as Popemeister,
fundraising for the Church, playing baseball with my grandsons, soliciting
donations for the Church, looking for an apartment, trying to raise money for
the Church, general stuff, fundraising for the Church, etc., I just forgot.
To quote one of my favorite comedians, Ron White, I made a
mistake, that ever happen to you, 'cause it happened to me.
Ring...ring...ring...
Shit, there goes the Popephone, hang on a minute...
"PJTT"..."hey, Mike, what's
up?"..."I did?"..."oh, yeah, I see it"..."almost
slobbered a bibful there, didn't I?"..."yeah, I'll fix it up right
now"..."you see the Dodgers game last night?"..."good game,
they beat the Tigers 3-2 in 10"..."okay, gotta' go, gotta' finish
this post"..."hey, we still on for Hooters later?"..."okay,
cool"..."yeah, no problem".
That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor
Michael Jordan (no, not the one who owns the Charlotte Bobcats); he noticed a
small typo in the third paragraph that he thought that maybe, I should correct.
"Dr. Bill's Health TIPS".
Sorry.
Anyway, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted? Oh
yeah, Dr. Bill's questions as to why we haven't done a "Dr. Bill's...never
mind.
So without any further delay, or maybe not much of one, here
is your favorite purveyor of news that will make your body healthy and
sexy...well, healthy maybe...
DR. BILL'S
HEALTH TIPS
Hey, sports fans and all you other unhealthy folks out there
in AJATTWCLand, Dr. Bill here, with a whole bunch of ideas and tips for you on
how to keep your body looking trim and your mind parked in neutral; let's get
to the mail and start answering your questions right away...
~Dear Dr. Bill:
I'm a young
woman in my late 20's and, sorry to say, I'm built like a 5th grade boy; I've
been thinking about having my breasts enlarged but I'm afraid of suffering any
residual effects, like maybe they'll fall off when I turn 60 or something. I'm
getting really tired of being mistaken for a 3-iron. What can you tell me about
this procedure?
Signed:
Flat As A Board In Boston
Dear "Board":
This is a
question I often get from young women who have been given less than a shirtful
by Ma Nature; as you can see from the photo and link below, this type of
surgery is becoming more popular all the time, and it's become so common that
most of the problems that plagued women who had "breast augmentation"
in the past are now history. As you can also tell, many celebrities are even
willing (and apparently anxious) to brag about their "enhancements",
to the point of nausea for the rest of us.
If it will
give you a better self-image, then I would say go for it; believe me, like most
guys, I'm all in favor of women having big boobs, real or otherwise.
~Dear Dr. Bill:
I recently
stuck my nose into a place where it didn't belong (long story) and, well, now
I'm faced with a future where I won't be able to tell when my wife is baking
brownies or if the dog farted. Dr. Bill, I need help: is there anything I can
do to improve my looks, short of breast augmentation?
Signed: My
Life Stinks And I Can't Smell It
Dear "Stinks":
Modern
medicine rides to the rescue! See the link below for an answer to your problem,
and take heart...it could have been another protuberance that you lost, and
losing your sense of smell would have seemed like a vacation in Jamaica in
comparison, had that happened.
~Dear Dr. Bill:
I have a
problem with my eyes...my family and friends say I look like an alien from the
planet Zatox. I need to know if there is a surgical procedure that could be
performed to correct this. I'm also considering breast augmentation, but I'll
save that inquiry for another letter. Any suggestions?
Signed:
Halloween Is My Favorite Holiday
Dear "Halloween":
It could be
worse...you could have a third eye in the middle of your forehead, like my
ex-girlfriend had. At least all three of her eyes were blue. No, as far as I
know, there is no procedure to alleviate this condition, short of having your
eyeballs removed, which would make it difficult for you to cross streets or use
Twitter. How about sunglasses?
~Dear Dr. Bill:
I
understand that there are certain foods that increase brain activity and
function; I'm wondering if you can provide me with a list of things I can eat
that will make me smarter.
Signed:
Seven Feet Tall With A Midget IQ
Dear "Midget":
Good thing
you had Kobe all those years, huh, genius? Although I know of no foods that
will improve IQ, try eating constantly...that way, your mouth will always be
full and no one will know from your remarks what a moron you are.
~Dear Dr. Bill:
My kids
were out playing in a field near our home here on Three Mile Island recently,
and came home with a rash of some sort; as you can see from the photo I've attached,
the rash has spread. Is there any kind of ointment I can put on this?
Signed: I
Also Wonder Why Our Dog Glows In The Dark
Dear "Glow":
No, I know
of no topical application that would work on this condition, but I do know a
movie producer that would love to talk to you.
~Dear Dr. Bill:
I have a
skin condition that my doctor tells me isn't contagious and that's it's all
right to be around my family, but here's a pic of his staff as they're coming
over to the "Isolation Room" to begin my treatment; does this seem
normal to you?
Signed:
Concerned In Cincinnati
Dear "Concerned":
I'm glad
you sent this inquiry in an email; if you had sent a letter, I would have
burned it. But there's probably no cause for your concern; just curious though,
have you ever seen the movie "The Boy In The Plastic Bubble"?
Well, lovers of good health, I'm afraid that's all the space
I'm allowed to address your questions today; just remember, eat your veggies,
exercise regularly and avoid nuclear power plants. Until next time, this is Dr.
Bill...
Hey, Dr. Bill, thanks much for those great health tips...I
know I feel better just reading them.
Not.
Love and "boob jobs",
PJTT
copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.
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