The NOBULLetin_April 2014

Public Service Announcement...

If you see this person (above), please call your local exorcist, immediately.

Your Pope Dude (yes, I am John The Tall, the leader and hitting instructor for the All John All The Time World Church; there is an explanation of this phenomena above, if you're curious as to how this atrocity came into being), is happy to announce the grand opening of the Church's new headquarters in rustic, up to it's butt in cornfields Oswego IL, located in the Fox River Valley area of the Land of Lincoln and the once home of Oswego Drag Raceway, in it's day one of the premier drag-racing facilities in the Midwest, until 1979, when the track was closed and the property sold to a company who subsequently built a nursing home on the site. (Why does that strike me as ironic somehow?)

I'll save the story of how I, and the HQ of the AJATTWC came to be relocated to the Midwest for another post and another day, because today's entry in the official blog of the Popeamundo will be the official organ of the AJATTWC, the:

APRIL 2014 NOBULLetin

Without any further ado, here is this month's edition, actually on time for a change.

~AJATTWC Announces It's Own "Book"~

            According to the Bored Of Elders of the AJATTWC, the Church has compiled and has recently published a "book" of it's own liturgy, along the lines of the Bible, the Koran, the AA Big Book and any piece recommended by Oprah Winfrey on her ridiculous book show.

            The liturgical collection of writings, based mostly on the posts from your Pope Guy's weblog, is entitled "The DooDah", and is a comprehensive and in-depth study of the thoughts and teachings of the leader of the AJATTWC. As you can see from it's vast size, the DooDah is, indeed, an extensive compendium of Papal thought.

            The DooDah is available on several websites, such as Barnes & Noble, Amazon and Bass Pro Shops, at the attractive price of just three easy installments of $99.95 each, with all proceeds going to the AJATTWC-sponsored, and the Pope's favorite, charity, the Home For The Chronically Bewildered, after a small stipend is allocated to His Popeness. (The rumors that this stipend is in excess of 75% are false and slanderous; my cut does not exceed 50%.)

For those of you who seek the "soothing balm of Johnism", the DooDah is a must-own and must-read.

~Health Lecture By Dr. Bill Scheduled~

            A lecture on several health hazards of which the followers of PJTT should beware has been scheduled for the third Wednesday of next week, and your Popemeister is encouraging all of you to attend. The lecture, by the Church's resident health guru and director of the Church-sponsored think-tank, the Center For The Consideration Of Weighty Matters, as well as being a board-certified magician, err, sorry, physician, is entitled "Can You Really Get Herpes From A Toilet Seat?" and deals with a number of health risks currently plaguing people everywhere, including the dreaded "human bat syndrome" (see photo below) and the fact that 1 in every 18 people are born with a third nipple, which for those of you who are physiologically challenged, is one more than standard equipment. (Dr. Bill informs your Popeosity that some of those afflicted with a third faucet have the extra appendage in the middle of their forehead.)

            Please plan to join us at this important event, and please let Sister Tess Tickles know if you can bring a dish, preferably with food in it.

~Teen Club Outing Cancelled~

            Sister Patty Melt, new President of the AJATTWC's Teen Club, Teens For John, informs the NOBULLetin that the May 83rd outing planned for the group, to a demonstration of the age-old art of "busking" has been cancelled; apparently, there was some misunderstanding by the sponsors of the event, Buskers and Fuskers International, as to the local ordinances governing these activities. Sister Melt says that the teen group will hold it's regular meeting that evening instead, and a June outing will be discussed at that time. Please let Sister Ruby Slippers know if you're planning to attend.

~No Bake Sale For May Per Woman's Club President~

Woman's Club President Sister Erin Judgment has announced that the club, the Women For Johnism, will not be having a Bake Sale during the month of May. While this announcement would seem superfluous, the NOBULLetin has never failed to have some reference to a Woman's Club Bake Sale, and your Pope Guy didn't see any reason to set a precedent with this edition.

~Pet Parade Planned~

            Sister Erin Judgment did however ask your Popeness to announce that the Woman's Club is planning a Pet Parade on the grounds here at the Church's HQ, scheduled for the 6th Sunday of next month; all kids and their pets are urged to participate. There will be activities, games and general foolishness after the parade for all ages. Below is a photo of one of last year's entries, as they were enroute to the parade. Sister Laurel Enhardy is in charge of this year's event, and you can see her for more details, including volunteering for the post-Parade clean-up brigade.

~AJATTWC Salutes Chicago As This Year's "Funniest City in America"

             The Church and your Popemeister would like to take this opportunity to salute our neighboring city of Chicago for it's winning of this year's "Funniest City In America" poll. Brother Warren Peace was one of the national pollsters, and commented to Your Popeosity that part of the reason Chicago won this year was due to Mayor Rahm Emanuel, for both his leadership of the city and his dopey name.

            Congrats to Chicago, my kind of town.

http://www.thefrisky.com/2014-04-22/are-you-living-in-the-funniest-city-in-america/

~Men's Club Lecture Planned~

            The President of the AJATTWC's Men's Club, Brother Chuck Wagon, has announced that the Men's group is sponsoring a lecture by Mr. Harry Legs for the 56th of next month, on the ins and outs of the new State of Illinois "concealed carry" law. For the gun-owners in our congregation, this is a must-attend. Mr. Legs is an acknowledged expert in the field of concealed carry laws, having graduated from the Institute For Public Armature, as well as being an instructor at the Institute and a renowned gun-owner himself. Mr. Legs will give a slide presentation as an enhancement to his lecture, which will feature recent cases involving this controversial law. (Please see the link below for a graphic depiction of one woman's interpretation of the term "concealed carry", which involves a very private area that Your Pope feels shouldn't involve firearms.)

            All those who plan to attend, and your Pope urges all you double-barreled guys to do so, please let Brother Jack Cheese, the event's coordinator, know you're coming, or whatever your reaction is.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/23/dallas-archer-gun-in-vagina_n_5198486.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news 

~Prayer Requests~

            Sister Penny Stocks asks that the congregation remember her mother, Sister Pearl Necklace, who passed away just last month, due to a lingering illness, thought to be cirrhosis of the blowhole.

            Brother Gary Indiana has requested prayers for his pet iguana, Biff, who has contracted hoof-in-mouth and is battling to return to good health.

~Please Patronize Our Sponsors~

            Here is a partial list of the businesses that help pay for the NOBULLetin and your Pope Guy's exorbitant salary; please help them out by patronizing their establishments.

            Thanks.

~The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorneys At Law~

            "We're only in it for the dough"

            www.MyAttorneyCanWhipYourAttorney.aba

~Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor~

            "Tie me up and feed me pizza"

            227 N. Bondage Ave.

            555-867-5309

~Rose's Special Buds~

            Florist and Medical Marijuana Shop

            1356 Copabuzz Dr.

            555-456-1111

            Ms. Rose Bush, Proprietor

Love and sermons,

PJTT

copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.

Is A Healthy Body An Indication Of A Diseased Mind?

Note to the folks in Ukraine...if you have any thought of tossing the Russians and their leader, Vladimir Sputnik or whatever his Commie name is, out of your country, please know this: any army whose tanks are modeled after the material for a woman's light summer dress or a ladybug is probably not going to prevail in a serious martial conflict.

Just sayin'.

Your Pope Guy (that would be me, Pope John The Tall, leader and designated hitter for the All John All The Time World Church; see explanation above, which is up for those of you who are directionally challenged), got a call the other day from Dr. Bill O'Lading, who is the director for the AJATTWC-sponsored charity, the Home For The Chronically Bewildered; Dr. Bill, which considering what medical costs are these days, seems like a truly fitting name, wanted to know why we hadn't done a "Dr. Bill's Health Tits" column in such a long time.

I had to admit to him that the fault was mine, that frankly, I just hadn't thought about it, what with my day-to-day duties as Popemeister, fundraising for the Church, playing baseball with my grandsons, soliciting donations for the Church, looking for an apartment, trying to raise money for the Church, general stuff, fundraising for the Church, etc., I just forgot.

To quote one of my favorite comedians, Ron White, I made a mistake, that ever happen to you, 'cause it happened to me.

Ring...ring...ring...

Shit, there goes the Popephone, hang on a minute...

"PJTT"..."hey, Mike, what's up?"..."I did?"..."oh, yeah, I see it"..."almost slobbered a bibful there, didn't I?"..."yeah, I'll fix it up right now"..."you see the Dodgers game last night?"..."good game, they beat the Tigers 3-2 in 10"..."okay, gotta' go, gotta' finish this post"..."hey, we still on for Hooters later?"..."okay, cool"..."yeah, no problem".

That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one who owns the Charlotte Bobcats); he noticed a small typo in the third paragraph that he thought that maybe, I should correct.

"Dr. Bill's Health TIPS".

Sorry.

Anyway, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted? Oh yeah, Dr. Bill's questions as to why we haven't done a "Dr. Bill's...never mind.

So without any further delay, or maybe not much of one, here is your favorite purveyor of news that will make your body healthy and sexy...well, healthy maybe...

DR. BILL'S HEALTH TIPS

Hey, sports fans and all you other unhealthy folks out there in AJATTWCLand, Dr. Bill here, with a whole bunch of ideas and tips for you on how to keep your body looking trim and your mind parked in neutral; let's get to the mail and start answering your questions right away...

~Dear Dr. Bill:

            I'm a young woman in my late 20's and, sorry to say, I'm built like a 5th grade boy; I've been thinking about having my breasts enlarged but I'm afraid of suffering any residual effects, like maybe they'll fall off when I turn 60 or something. I'm getting really tired of being mistaken for a 3-iron. What can you tell me about this procedure?

            Signed: Flat As A Board In Boston

Dear "Board":

            This is a question I often get from young women who have been given less than a shirtful by Ma Nature; as you can see from the photo and link below, this type of surgery is becoming more popular all the time, and it's become so common that most of the problems that plagued women who had "breast augmentation" in the past are now history. As you can also tell, many celebrities are even willing (and apparently anxious) to brag about their "enhancements", to the point of nausea for the rest of us.

            If it will give you a better self-image, then I would say go for it; believe me, like most guys, I'm all in favor of women having big boobs, real or otherwise.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/04/kaley-cuoco-breast-implants_n_5092160.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular 

~Dear Dr. Bill:

            I recently stuck my nose into a place where it didn't belong (long story) and, well, now I'm faced with a future where I won't be able to tell when my wife is baking brownies or if the dog farted. Dr. Bill, I need help: is there anything I can do to improve my looks, short of breast augmentation?

            Signed: My Life Stinks And I Can't Smell It

Dear "Stinks":

            Modern medicine rides to the rescue! See the link below for an answer to your problem, and take heart...it could have been another protuberance that you lost, and losing your sense of smell would have seemed like a vacation in Jamaica in comparison, had that happened.

http://news.msn.com/science-technology/uk-scientists-make-body-parts-in-lab 

~Dear Dr. Bill:

            I have a problem with my eyes...my family and friends say I look like an alien from the planet Zatox. I need to know if there is a surgical procedure that could be performed to correct this. I'm also considering breast augmentation, but I'll save that inquiry for another letter. Any suggestions?

            Signed: Halloween Is My Favorite Holiday

Dear "Halloween":

            It could be worse...you could have a third eye in the middle of your forehead, like my ex-girlfriend had. At least all three of her eyes were blue. No, as far as I know, there is no procedure to alleviate this condition, short of having your eyeballs removed, which would make it difficult for you to cross streets or use Twitter. How about sunglasses?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/10/grete-gaim-scary-eyes_n_4758361.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news&ir=Weird%20News 

~Dear Dr. Bill:

            I understand that there are certain foods that increase brain activity and function; I'm wondering if you can provide me with a list of things I can eat that will make me smarter.

            Signed: Seven Feet Tall With A Midget IQ

Dear "Midget":

            Good thing you had Kobe all those years, huh, genius? Although I know of no foods that will improve IQ, try eating constantly...that way, your mouth will always be full and no one will know from your remarks what a moron you are.

~Dear Dr. Bill:

            My kids were out playing in a field near our home here on Three Mile Island recently, and came home with a rash of some sort; as you can see from the photo I've attached, the rash has spread. Is there any kind of ointment I can put on this?

            Signed: I Also Wonder Why Our Dog Glows In The Dark

Dear "Glow":

            No, I know of no topical application that would work on this condition, but I do know a movie producer that would love to talk to you.

~Dear Dr. Bill:

            I have a skin condition that my doctor tells me isn't contagious and that's it's all right to be around my family, but here's a pic of his staff as they're coming over to the "Isolation Room" to begin my treatment; does this seem normal to you?

            Signed: Concerned In Cincinnati

Dear "Concerned":

            I'm glad you sent this inquiry in an email; if you had sent a letter, I would have burned it. But there's probably no cause for your concern; just curious though, have you ever seen the movie "The Boy In The Plastic Bubble"?

Well, lovers of good health, I'm afraid that's all the space I'm allowed to address your questions today; just remember, eat your veggies, exercise regularly and avoid nuclear power plants. Until next time, this is Dr. Bill...

Hey, Dr. Bill, thanks much for those great health tips...I know I feel better just reading them.

Not.

Love and "boob jobs",

PJTT

copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.

The NOBULLetin_March 2014

Above are some of the loyal followers of the Pope during a recent worship service in Lower Monsoon FL.

Your favorite Pope Guy (that would be yours truly, Pope John The Tall, spiritual leader and Head Baseball Fan of the All John All The Time World Church and if you're interested, there's an explanation above of how this abomination came to be), has given into the temptation of sloth (as I said in my post of 3/31/14, that would be the human condition, not the animal) and is now having to apologize to all my erstwhile devotees for not publishing the March edition of the AJATTWC'S NOBULLetin until now.

It's been a rough winter, believe me.

So without any further delay or ado, here is the AJATTWC NOBULLetin for last month; I'm sure you'll agree, it has suffered nothing in quality for being late in delivery.

~March 2014 NOBULLetin~

~Prayer Meeting Next Week~

            There will be a Prayer Meeting in the Church sanctuary next Wednesday night, 4/62, to ask the Almighty Spirit (that's the term used by the alien Klattu in the 1951 movie, "The Day The Earth Stood Still") to bestow upon the righteous followers of Johnism the same blessings he recently vouchsafed (how's that for a great word?) upon a Northern California couple, who, while out for an evening stroll, found 1,427 gold coins, mostly antique $20 gold pieces, buried in several old tin cans on their property. Experts are making conservative estimates of the value of the find to be somewhere in the area of $10 million.

            Given the strong "go between" status of your Popemeister with the AS, I believe it only right and fitting, should one of you fine members of the AJATTWC actually find a horde like this, that your Pope should receive a 20% cut, right off the top.

http://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-gold-coins-northern-california-mint-theft-20140304,0,3666293.story#axzz2xfc8sLm8 (gold) 

~Inspirational Quote Of The Month~

            This month's "Inspirational Quote Of The Month" is brought to you by Sister Helen Wheels...

            "You have to make sure you do the same thing every time, that's probably the key to consistency." Mike Dunleavy, Chicago Bulls forward, Chicago Tribune of 3/16/14

            Thank you, Sister Helen, for this inspiring message.

~Lecture By Dr. Bill O'Lading Next Month~

            The director of the AJATTWC-sponsored think tank, the Center For The Consideration Of Weighty Matters, Dr. Bill O'Lading, will give a lecture next month entitled "Cosmic Inflation-Evidence Of The 'Big Bang Theory' or Heathen Lies?"

            Dr. O'Lading's talk will feature a slide presentation and a question and answer period afterwards. Refreshments will be served after the Q&A session; please let Sister So Sue Mee know if you can bring something.

http://www.bbc.com/news/science-environment-26605974 

~Woman's Club Bake Sale~

            Once again, Sister Sue Pervise, President of the Woman's Club of the AJATTWC, the Woman For Johnism, announces that the Club will not hold a Bake Sale during the month of April. Although this announcement is probably unnecessary, there has never been an edition of the NOBULLetin that did not contain some reference to a Woman's Club Bake Sale, and your Pope Guy didn't see any reason to break with tradition with this month's.

~A Request From Your Pope~

            Your Popemeister (me) would like to take this opportunity to make a request of all you devoted followers of Johnism...even though I believe you're all doing your best in the area of donations to the AJATTWC, I would ask, with all humility, that each of you search your heart (and your bank account) and see if there isn't just a little more that each of you can do financially to assist the Church in it's mission to spread the soothing balm of Johnism. While I realize that, even though our economy is slowly regaining some momentum, times are still tough and a few extra dollars in the collection plate on Sunday is not in many of your budgets.

            However, those of you who are strict adherents to the teachings of the AJATTWC don't ever want to be thought of as falling behind other denominations, for example, the Roman Catholics, in your giving, and certainly, I would have to think that all of you would want your Popeamundo to be able to live in a style to which I would quickly like to become accustomed.

            As an exemplar of the manner in which the faithful of various other churches take care of their pastors, I would direct you to the link below.

            Come on, folks, let's all dig a deeper in the pockets and start supporting your Pope Guy the right way.

            Thanks.

http://news.msn.com/us/atlanta-archbishop-apologizes-for-lavish-living-may-sell-mansion 

~New Advertising Campaign For The AJATTWC~

            As a follow-up to the above whining for more donations, the Bored Of Elders is pleased to announce that, starting in May, the Church will kick-off a new ad campaign to raise awareness of it's message of the soothing balm of Johnism.

            The campaign will have the theme "Got Pope?", and will feature such luminaries as Amanda Bynes and Miley Cyrus as official spokespersons for the Church.

~Visiting Missionaries~

            Your Pope is pleased to announce that on Sunday, 4/33, we will be blessed with a visit from the Reverend B. L. Zebub and his assistant, Sister Lucy Fur, of the Church Of The Cleansing Fire (see their recent photo below); Reverend Zebub will give a presentation detailing his ongoing missionary work with various peoples all over the world.

            Please plan to come out that Sunday and give your soulful support to the good Reverend.

~Prayer Requests~

            ~Brother Will Power asks that prayers be said for his flock of pet myna birds, who have recently been afflicted with a curious disease that causes them to grow to human size and want to ride subways.

            ~Brother Victor Hugo asks that we remember his two nephews, Quasi and Modo, who are leaving next month for Paris to study writing at the famous Notre Dame de l'Institut de la Cathédrale de Bossus Français.

~Please Patronize Our Sponsors~

            Here is a partial list of the businesses that help pay for the NOBULLetin and your Pope Guy's exorbitant salary; please help them out by patronizing their establishments.

            Thanks.

~The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorneys At Law~

            "We're only in it for the dough"

            www.MyAttorneyCanWhipYourAttorney.aba

~Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor~

            "Tie me up and feed me pizza"

            227 N. Bondage Ave.

            555-867-5309

~Rose's Special Buds~

            Florist and Medical Marijuana Shop

            1356 Copabuzz Dr.

            555-456-1111

            Ms. Rose Bush, Proprietor

Love and church pews,

PJTT

copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.