WELCOME TO THE BLOG OF POPE JOHN THE TALL, LEADER OF THE ALL JOHN ALL THE TIME WORLD CHURCH


******PLEASE NOTE******

(Notice I said please.)

To those of you who are new to "the Pope" and the "AJATTWC", the following various posts are the official communications of yours truly, Pope John The Tall, or as I'm known in many circles, PJTT.

I aspired to the position of Pope of the AJATTWC several years ago, after the Roman Catholics elected Joseph Ratzinger, a German Cardinal, as their Pope; I figured if he could do it, so could I.

Despite what would seem to be a "religious" theme, I try not to play favorites: I'm satirical/irreverent about everything, in an attempt to give my readers a few yucks; that is the goal. If I haven't made you laugh, well, I tried, and I hope I'm given an "A" for the effort. (Or at least a really solid "C".)

I further hope that my faithful readers (all several of them) and any of you who wander in from the cold of the Internet, will derive much solace and spiritual awakening from my timeless prose, and, as I so often refer to it, the "soothing balm of Johnism"; if you don't, how sad for you, because I'm a pretty funny guy. (My daughter tells me, regularly, that I'm "silly"; I suspect that she's right.)

Please note that everything on my blog is meant to be fun, and in no way insulting to anyone, unless of course you're a politician, then you can assume I intended to insult you. (Hey, it goes with the job, guys; if you can't take the heat, then the harder they fall.)

Never mind.

Anyway, welcome and thanks for stopping by; please feel free to peruse to your heart's content (there is a large archive of my past posts, going back several hundred years, in the right-hand column), and please be sure to make a large donation at the door as you leave. (It's tax-deductible.)

Speaking of leaving, as I make my exit, and probably none too soon, here's something from the Book of Excretions, Apollo 13: Dodgers 6...

"Blessed are the lazy, for although they don't accomplish much, they're well rested."

Enjoy. (Or don't, it's still a free country. It is still a free country, isn't it? They haven't changed that as far as I know, have they?)





Thursday, August 18, 2011

The Pope And Harley World Tour: "Incognito", Part Four (And Final)

My neighbor downstairs, who by the way, apropos of nothing in particular, is a very attractive woman in her early 50's, left recently on vacation to visit her sister in Nova Scotia. When she told me she was leaving for Nova Scotia ("Hey, Pope, how you doin'? I'm going to Nova Scotia next week; do the mail and plant thing for me, would you?"), I had to stop and think if I knew anyone, not IN Nova Scotia, because as far as I know, other than my neighbor's sister, nobody actually lives in Nova Scotia, but just anyone who had ever even HEARD of Nova Scotia.

Nova Scotia, which is Latin for "...all hands on the poopdeck", err, sorry, "New Scotia", according to WikiPedia, is one of Canada's Maritime Provinces, and although Wiki has an article on the Province, according to the world map I received for free a number of years ago from some organization I had just joined, Nova Scotia doesn't exist. That's right, rodeo fans, this freebie atlas I received is like "Map Light"; they left off all but the biggest names of countries and oceans, so all you see is "America" or "Denmark" ("Did you leave the lights on in the den, Mark?") or "Water", so if you're say, Luxembourg or the Vatican or Lower Zimbabwe (home of the ebert), you just don't exist.

So I don't where my neighbor is right at the moment, but she can't be in New Scotia, 'cause it's not there anymore. (Nova does have a younger brother who manages the Los Angeles Hollywood Angels of Anaheim in Southern California, who's name is Mike.)

(I got up this morning and decided to be just as esoteric as I could be, all day.)



"...so in conclusion, just let me say how much Harley and I appreciate the Bored giving us this opportunity, once again, to go forth and spread the message of the soothing balm of Johnism to all the poor souls in our world who cry out for solace, for comfort from their afflictions, who thirst for a single drop of the cooling water of care on their lips, parched from the years of degradation...(Harley barks in the background)...yes, well, I should wrap this up and allow you ladies and gentlemen to get back to your meeting. Ahh, thank you." And I sat down.

That was how I ended my report to the Bored Of Elders of the All John All The Time World Church, of which, as you probably know by now, I am the Pope Guy.

After about a bajillion miles on the road, and a shitload of stops along the way, we finally arrived back at the headquarters of the AJATTWC yesterday, after leaving Washington, D.C. and the offices of Dr. Aaron Thetires, located at the Center For Really Important Space Stuff, the day before.

Before we left on the Pope And Harley World Tour: "Incognito" tour, the BOE had instructed us to, as quietly as possible, investigate a number of stories that they were monitoring, that they felt had grave implications for the future of the Church. So by day Harley and I were the usual media darlings we always are, and then, when our "official" duties had been seen to, off we went, into the night, to become our alter-egos, Spaceman Spiff and his sidekick, Harbacca.

(Actually, "Spaceman Spiff" was the alter-ego of Calvin, half of the funniest cartoon strip ever written, "Calvin and Hobbes", which was penned by a very erudite, hysterical human being named Bill Watterson; unfortunately, Mr. Watterson retired some years ago, and Calvin and his stuffed tiger are no more, and the world is a lesser place from the lack. Mr. Watterson, on behalf of all of us who thought C and H was essential reading, every day, please come back. We'll take up collections, we'll get you free tickets to see the Dodgers, which shouldn't be tough, since nobody wants them these days, we'll mow your lawn and trim the hedges, we'll get you passes to see Justin Beiber, whatever it takes, just please, please come back and write the strip once again.)

(Please.)

Over the course of our trip we met with four individuals, each of whom is in some way investigating the origins of life as we know it, by researching, from various different scientific approaches, the event that is now referred to as the "Big Bang", which in this case is a reference to the theory of the cataclysmic beginning of our Galaxy, and not the TV show. I hadn't known this at the outset of our trip.

(In the interest of brevity, a consideration I rarely make, I'll direct you to my posts from 8/10, 8/12 and 8/16 for explanations of whom we saw and what we discussed.)

We were barely into our meeting with Dr. Warren Peace at CERN, the European Organization For Nuclear Research, when I figured out why the Bored had such a keen interest in the people they wanted us to see and interview.

Duh, it was all scientists involved in study of the Bang.

So we gathered info and interviewed folks and studied charts and graphs and read reports and went to the 'Net and WikiPedia for more information and explanations and, in general, got REAL conversant with the theory of how our Universe got it's start.

And of course, in the process, we had to consider the subject from the one point of view that mattered above all others: how did we get here?

How did we get here? How did we come to be? Is it an accident of evolution? A Grand Design? Did the building blocks of DNA, our most basic genetic material, come from Out There? Are we alone, or are there more like us, out there somewhere in the far reaches of Space, the final frontier? "What" started it all?

Was it...God?

This was what the Bored wanted investigated, and it's not hard to understand why.

Because someday, oh fellow travelers along the road of life, someday we're going to find all these answers we seek (hey, you didn't really think I was setting you up for the big denouement, when I reveal that I, your Pope Guy, has suddenly unraveled the Great Mystery Of Life?...yeah, right), someday we'll "get it", and when that day comes, yes sir, boys and girls, I'm pretty sure that a WHOLE lot of people are going to step back for a moment, take a long, hard look at things and wonder to themselves...

"...what the hell was I thinking all those years?"

I have no idea how the Bored Of Old Guys at the AJATTWC is going to handle all the information that Harley and I brought back for them from our trip, but I do know this much...

...there were worried looks on their faces, and maybe some fear in their hearts as well.

But for me, in the final analysis, it isn't the destination, it's the journey. I intend to do all I can to enjoy the process of achieving all the answers, and I proceed on the theory that, at the end, I will finally have them all.

The ongoing debate in the interim is stupid, since it can't be proven either way.

"What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence." Christopher Hutchens

("Nova Scotia" is actually French for "We're too small to be on cheap maps, but 29.3% of our populace is of Scottish descent, so put that in your kilt and run it up the flagpole.")

"In the beginning, there was Light, which was supposed to be less filling but have great taste...but it wasn't and it didn't, and the Creator was displeased, and he banished Light from Eden, and cast it out unto the Earth, and TC said to Light, because you aren't and you don't, I will place upon you a Mark, or maybe a William, that will forever brand you tasteless and gruel-like, and I will cause countless, stupid TV commercials be made in your name, so that people will come to curse you, and say you ill. You douche-bag."

You know, being Pope is about as much fun as you can have with your clothes on.

Love and Genesis,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc. 

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