"...so what they're thinking about is a "World Tour" kind of a thing, where you and HD take the Kidding and head out to a bunch of stops that we'll schedule in advance, meet with the locals, you and Harley schmooze a little, kiss some babies and shake some hands and then, when you can get away from all the official stuff, you guys get out and find out what's really taking place with these reports and then report back to the Bored. How's that sound?"
I was talking on the Popephone to my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one you think, this one doesn't do commercials), and he's telling me about this great idea the Bored Of Elders of the All John All The Time World Church has to send Harley and I out, not on just a "missionary trip" as they do so often, but a whole missionary "tour" of a bunch of places all over the Galaxy. Well, all over the world, anyway.
All these places they want to send us have filed news reports recently that are, well, a little strange, on some unusual subjects, at least, that's what the Bored thinks, and they want HD and I to go and investigate. But here's the kicker: they want us to go incognito; something about not taking any chances on being caught checking these stories out by any rival churches. (???)
"Mike, I have no problem with all this, except one: I've never been inside a cognito before, and I'm not sure that's how I want to travel. You said we'd take the Kidding, so I don't get this whole cognito thing."
(At the other end of the telephone line, RRMMJ rolls his eyes to heaven, and silently asks for strength.)
"No, Your Confusedness, "incognito" is a word that means "with your true identity unrevealed"; you'd be traveling under assumed names, disguised so to speak, so no one would make the connection between you and the Church."
"Why all the secrecy?' I asked.
"Because that's just how they want it done, that's all."
"It wouldn't have anything to do with all the Bored members being a bunch of gray-headed douche-bags, would it?" I enquired, as Harley barked his agreement in the background.
"No, Your Tallness, they just have some concerns that if it gets out in the media that the AJATTWC is looking into these reports, other people might become suspicious and wonder what's going on, and they don't want to alert anyone just yet."
"Alert anyone to what? What's with all the secrecy?" I was starting to get a little annoyed with all the cloak-and-dagger shit.
So Mike proceeds to explain to me about that the Bored is concerned about dropping attendance and decreasing revenues, and the news reports they want "investigated" are stories of scientific breakthroughs in the area of "who we are and how we came to be here" and they're afraid that, as people become more attuned to science and understand our universe that they'll drop the AJATTWC, and for that matter all other organized religions, and follow the path of the "God Of Science", (gasp).
"You know, if the date today were April 1st, I'd say you were putting me on. Are they kidding?"
"No, Your M&M's, they're very serious. They feel the pull of science is becoming so strong that the secular is beginning to hold sway over the spiritual, and if that becomes the prevailing attitude in the world, well, we're all out of jobs."
"Yeah, but ultimately, isn't that why we're here, I mean, the AJATTWC, to set people on the path to glory, and then allow them to seek and pursue their spiritual "destiny", as it were, as they so chose. What difference does it make if my path is different that yours; my life is different than yours." I shook my head at the whole notion.
"Well, all I know, Your Grass, err, Grace, is that I don't want to be out of a job, not the ways things are these days."
As much as I hated to capitulate, I knew that this was a fight for another day. So I dropped the subject, and told Mike to start making plans to get everything ready for the "Tour".
Have I told you guys about the Pope's atomic powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, or the RU Kidding for short? No? Well, what a vessel.
The Kidding has room to sleep 8 large adults, or 12 medium-sized people, stacked cross-wise. She is equipped with HyperAromaDrive, which enables the ship to achieve speeds that are in excess of the Speed Of Aroma, which, when compared to the Speeds Of Light and Sound, falls somewhere in between. With her own beauty parlor, pizza parlor, parlor, saloon, currency exchange, Starbuck's, the Eiffel Tower, two discos, a drive-through mortuary and a recycling center, she is state-of-the-art in Galactic Cruisers. (Think the Millennium Falcon from "Star Wars", with Harley in the role of Chewbacca. I, of course, will be in the role of Princess Leia, err, excuse me, Han Solo. There will be no one in the role of C3PO; if there was ever a more annoying character in a sci-fi movie, I haven't seen him/her. No, no C3PO, thank you.)
(And if I knew any "vertically-challenged" folks personally, I'd consider casting the role of R2D2, since he was the only one in those movies with any good sense.)
So, for whatever reasons, good or bad, me and the HD are off, sometime in the next few days, as soon as the staff can make all the arrangements, to boldly go where no man...shit, never mind.
(Have you guys met Harley? That's his pic there, to your right and up a little. He's the Pope's sidekick, roommate, sparing partner and the backup navigator when we're on board the Kidding. I'm not sure why he was smiling when I took this picture, but I suspect it had something to do with flatulence or chasing small, furry animals all over meadows of tall, green grass. Harley's needs, much like those of his owner, are fairly simple.)
(Several days later...)
Well, Mike called me a little while ago to tell me that all the arrangements are pretty much done, and that we'll be "embarking" tomorrow; our first stop? Geneva, Switzerland, to meet with local officials, and then, "incognito", to meet with Physics professor Dr. Warren Peace, from whom we're going to try and find out just what all this nonsense is about "Higgs bosons". (In Australia, that would be "Higgs bosons, mate." Okay, bad joke.)
(You know, "bosons mate", like sailors on ships? Geez.)
Well, I have to go pack, plus get Harley Dog all ready to go. (Oh, yeah, that'll be tough; pack a bunch of Girl Scout cookies, a few chew toys and you're there.) I'm taking my gerbil-golf clubs along, just in case we get a few hours free and I can get in a round or two.
I'm also packing all the "incognito" I can find; I don't want to be caught unprepared.
TO BE CONTINUED...(like it or not)
Love and suitcases,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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