Now please don't think that I'm going to disparage these music collections; I love the damn things. I never buy them, but I love listening to the commercials, because you know something? Despite all the gushing and phony whimsy on the part of the announcers, the fact remains that, in most instances, these really are some great tunes. Especially if they come from a time in your life when you were, say, in high school, or going through your first "real" love or trying out your new "adult" wings for the first time or possibly that time when you were caught back in the rear of the barn with Bossie or any period of your life for which you have some nostalgia. (I'm thinking of a time, back in the late 70's, when I was gratuitously over-served at a neighbor's New Year's Eve party and yarked in the snow in their front yard. Unfortunately, due to the extreme amount of snow we had that year, it was spring before it all melted, so the "evidence" of my discomfort wasn't found until several months later.)
(Full disclosure: this was WAY before I became the Pope of the All John All The Time World Church. These days, I'm much better behaved, thank you; shit, the truth is, I'm just too effing old to act that any more. I'd love to say I'm smarter than that now, and for the most part I am, but not that much.)
The one name (and picture, see above) that caught my attention in those last few moments of the show was that of Carly Simon; they showed a quick clip of her singing "You're So Vain", and then cut to a shot of the by-now infamous album cover.
I know what you're expecting, given my reputation: something crude and sophomoric, right?
For once, I will rise above my baser instincts, not give in to my inner 14-year old and just say this...
...Carly Simon, to me, is one of the most breathtakingly gorgeous women I have ever had the pleasure, the joy, of seeing. And she has a world-class smile, which this particular photo doesn't highlight, which is a shame, because, despite the obvious, it's her best feature, and she's a fine musician and song-craftswomen as well.
A very talented, very beautiful young woman, a symbol of her age...
...who also has a really nice rack.
(I couldn't do it, I just couldn't do it; I tried, I really did, but I just couldn't do it.)
All of the above has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with today's topic, which is "10 Things Your Mother Didn't Tell You About Gonorrhea", no, wait, that's not right, uhhhh, yeah, okay, here we go, "Health Tips From Dr. Bill".
I got a call last week from Dr. Bill O'Lading, the Director of the AJATTWC-sponsored, in-house think tank, the Center For The Serious Consideration Of Weighty Matters, with a suggestion for my blog: how about if he wrote a periodic "health tips" article, under the name "Dr. Bill", you know, a question and answer, folksy, whimsical discussion with your old country GP and pillar of the community about contemporary health issues facing people today, such as VD, the HIV virus, vaccinations, health-care insurance, cancer research, the proliferation of short people and what doctor to choose for your penile enhancement.
After a brief discussion with the Harley Dog as to the feasibility of the idea (he was in favor of it immediately), I told "Dr. Bill" to get cracking and crank out his first column, which I approved and which follows below (below):
"HEALTH TITS" From "DR. BILL"
Ring...rin
"PJTT...hey, Mike, what's up...he wrote what?...oh, yeah, I just looked back...yeah, that's not good, especially after the Carly Simon opening...yeah, okay, I'll have him fix that right away, thanks for telling me...yeah...yeah, okay...hey, are we still on for lunch at the Beaver's Den?...cool...yeah, call me."
That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (do you REALLY think it's the same one?); he noticed a small error in the heading for Dr. Bill's column. I'd better have the good doctor try that again.
"HEALTH TIPS" From "DR. BILL"
(a huge cheer goes up from the crowd)
Hey, all you pine-nut lovers of nature and all things healthy, this is your old country GP and pillar of the community here in the bucolic and always befuddled San Fernando Valley, Dr. Bill, with this month's message of good health and clean living. Let's get right to the mail bag and she what she has for us today...well, here we go, thanks, Penelope.
Okay, here's our first enquiry:
*Dear Dr. Bill: I had been experiencing some problems in my abdominal area, so I went to my doctor and he told me I had a rupture and would need surgery. Problem was, he couldn't do the surgery for six months, something to do with when he was supposed to finally receive his medical degree from some college in the Upper DopeyLand. So I said okay and went home to wait. But I got tired of waiting and decided that the surgery didn't look that hard to do, and that I could do it myself. So I got a kitchen knife and had at it. It didn't come out as well as I expected. Dr. Bill, where did I go wrong?
Signed, A Non-Doctor Who Treats Himself Has A Moron For A Patient
*Dear "Patient": At first I thought that my ex-in-laws had a lock on the annual stupidity award, only to have them be replaced by the TeaBags from the Republican Party recently. Then you wrote in, and I realized that this, this was the epitome of stupid. YOU DIDN'T EVEN USE A SHARP KNIFE, YOU SIMPLE SHIT. Geez.
...And Dr. Bill's "Lesson To Be Learned" from this question? If you're going to do self-surgery, keep it simple, like a spleen or a thorax. A hernia should only be repaired by a licensed, mostly sober physician.
We received this letter just last week:
*Dear Dr. Bill: I'm damn sick and tired of all these piss-ant third world countries trampling all over our God-given American values, and if that pinko weak-stick in the White House isn't going to do something about it, then I will. So I've decided to build my own nuclear reactor, right here in my kitchen. Yep, brew me up a big batch of U234 and make my own "White Lightening". I'll give that piece of crap Ken Ill Frong, or Kay Pill Tung or whatever the hell his name is over there in North Korea a little message he doesn't want. But before I do, I just want to know what kind of medical hazards I might run into while building my machine. Thanks.
Signed, Cher Noble Was My Ex-Wife's Name
*Dear "Cher": If handled properly, both the product of the nuclear reaction, the U234 and other radioactive isotopes, and the nuclear waste should be fairly safe. Low level exposure to radiation of this type can cause nausea, vomiting, itchy eyes, in-grown toenails and lesions on the testicles, plus a strange affinity for zither music. High level exposure would probably result in various parts of your body falling off and/or causing any children you might have to come out looking like Newt Gingrich.
...And Dr. Bill's "Lesson To Be Learned" from this letter? This may not be as dumb an idea as self-surgery, but it certainly ranks somewhere on the list of Top Ten All-Time Stupid Ideas. Unless you're a responsible, experienced handler of atomic power, or a third-world maniac, best be advised to stay away from nuclear fission. And may the E=mc2 be with you.
Or this letter from a poor soul in Kentucky:
*Dear Dr. Bill: I was hoping to hear more about the "Health Tits" that you mentioned earlier in your column; any possibility of that happening? Oh, you changed that, didn't you? Never mind. Anyway, here's my question: I've had some real problems in the past when trying to decide on a physician; some seem good when they first examine you, then they disappear. Some others, not so much, and some just don't seem right from the git-go. I've already had one unfortunate experience, and I want to make sure it doesn't happen again; my wife is upset enough as it is. Dr. Bill, what's the best way to choose a physician that will ensure I'll leave the OR with all the parts I came in with?
Signed, Shorter In Seattle
*Dear "Shorty": Are you by any chance Jewish, and was this a circumcision gone seriously wrong? If not, then please rest assured that one over-zealous (boy, there's a nice way to put it) doctor is not indickative of the entire profession. Check with your local AMA board for their recommendations, always get a second opinion, and consider having an armed gunman in the operating room to monitor what's being removed the next time you have major surgery. And in a related item, you followers of Pope John The Tall might want to check out the Pope's post from way back in February, 2/7 to be exact, to find out about the horrors of vasectomies gone wrong as well.
...And Dr. Bill's "Lesson To Be Learned" from this writer? In this instance, size does matter.
And finally, a "Health Tip" directly from Dr. Bill to all the Neanderthal, dirt-bag South Korean men who ride the Seoul, Korea subway and grope and otherwise assault women on their way to and from wherever:
Guys, if Dr. Bill and some of his friends were residents of South Korea, and those were our wives, daughters, mothers, sisters or friends that you puss-bucket pieces of crap have been pawing at on the subway, you'd find it difficult to maintain your good health for any appreciable length of time, because we would catch you. And I considered as a fitting punishment, once either myself or one of my friends caught any of you in this repulsive activity, doing the same thing to your wives, daughters, mothers, sisters or friends, right in front of you, but I decided that would put us down at your level, and I refuse to lower myself to that extent.
No, here's what we'll do: the first time any of us hears a women cry out on a subway car that she's being "groped", we'll find you, take you outside at the first stop...
...and break all your fingers.
Slowly.
Please see "Seoul plans women-only subway cars", L.A. Times, 8/17 edition, page A6. (Sorry, no link for this one, but the article basically said that officials in Seoul were considering "women-only" subway cars because of all the groping of women by men. Somebody should explain to the Seoul City Council about the difference between treating the symptom and treating the sickness.)
Stay healthy and eat your broccoli,
"Dr. Bill"
Okay, well, thanks Dr. Bill, for those enlightening tips; boy, I fell healthier already. I think I'll go run a marathon.
Not.
Love and measles,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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