(I will open today's essay with a serious disclosure...on
Friday, May 9, 2014, Dr. Mark Danielson of Joliet IL, performed a hernia repair
procedure on yours truly at Silver Cross Hospital in New Lenox IL. I'm going to
be poking fun at some of the situations that were involved in this surgery, and
the recovery afterwards, but in no way should anyone take this as an indictment
of Dr. Mark; he's a great guy, an excellent surgeon/doctor and an all-around
decent human being. I'm just going to be having some fun with what is proving
to be a signature event in my life, but in no way does this reflect on the good
doctor.)
(I just hope he has a good sense of humor and doesn't raise
my bill after he reads this.)
Does the guy above look, I don't know, like he's stoned, or
is it just me?
Well, sports fans, it's time once again for our favorite
fix'em-up guy, Dr. Bill O'Lading, to address your health concerns in his featured column here on your Pope
Guy's blog:
DR. BILL'S
HEALTH TITS
I am, of course, your Pope, John The Tall, leader and 3rd
base coach of the All John All The Time World Church (see explanation above for
how this travesty came to be), and as you may recall, Dr. O'Lading is the
director of the Church-sponsored charity, the Home For The Chronically
Bewildered, as well as a regular contributor to your Popeamundo's weblog. Dr.
Bill...
ring...ring...ring...
Damn, there's goes the Popephone.
"PJTT"..."hey,
Mike"..."AGAIN?"..."shit"..."I
know"..."I know, I make that mistake every time I do a Dr. Bill
column"..."shit"...(large sigh of disgust from your Popemeister
here)..."okay, I'll take care of it"..."thanks".
Shit.
That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor
Michael Jordan (no, not the one who does the Hanes underwear commercials); he
noticed a small error in the column title above, and thought I might want to
correct it.
DR. BILL'S
HEALTH TIPS
Today, Dr. Bill and I are going to have a frank and earnest
(he'll be Frank and I'll be Ernest) exchange of questions and answers about my
recent experience with having a surgical procedure, specifically, the repair of
my inguinal hernia last Friday, which I will note here was my first-ever
experience with surgery and anasthist, err, anestlisti, shit, ansthrfdis, being
put under to be operated upon.
(I don't want you to think I was nervous before the surgery,
which was, in this instance, performed as an out-patient procedure, but my
blood pressure was 356 over 90 beforehand; afterwards, they could find no
pressure whatsoever. Although the "bad news" was that the operation was not a
success, the "good news" was that I awoke in a place where the
grilling and barbequing were outstanding.)
"Please to meet you, hope you guessed my name..."
No, that's not true; I made that part up.
Anyway, let's get right to the Q's and A's on today's
topic...
~PJTT: Dr. Bill, please explain what "iguanas"
have to do with "a small tissue that bulges out through an opening in the
abominable", excuse me, "abdominal wall".
~Dr. Bill: That's "INGUINAL", you moron, not
"iguana". Geez, what a putz.
~PJTT: Oh, sorry. Okay, but wouldn't you say that Flaming
Iguanas would be a great name for a rock band?
~Dr. Bill: Yes, on the whole, I believe that would be a
superlative name for a rock band.
~PJTT: According to the literature given to me by Dr. Mark,
my surgeon and knife/sword guy (his wife handles the "fire-breather"
responsibilities in the family, see pic below)...
...an "inguinal hernia appears as a bulge in the groin or
scrotum". Wouldn't it be a lot safer for men if this bulge was in a much
less sensitive area of the anatomy, say, the middle of the forehead?
~Dr. Bill: Yes, that's probably so, but having your
genitalia over your eyebrows would most likely detract from your manly good
looks, to say nothing of drastically redefining the term "giving
head".
~PJTT: Would this also explain why this same literature
declaims that "persons sexually active before the operation reported being
able to return to sexual activity in 14 days (average)"?
~Dr. Bill: It might, but since I know, as your physici, err,
physcont, shit, as your doctor, that your idea of "sexual activity"
involves a llama, a trombone, two companies of the NYFD and a 55-gallon drum of
lime Jello, the "average" or "normal" in this case might
not apply.
~PJTT: As I said, this was my first experience with
anishest, shit, the "sleepy stuff" and with surgery, and I was
impressed with how careful the staff was to ensure I was who I said I was
(regularly checking and re-checking my ID bracelet at various steps in the
procedure) and also to ensure they didn't remove a spleen or other organ by
mistake (Dr. Mark asked me to confirm that the "igauna" was on my
right side, and initialed same, prior to surgery); this was particularly
comforting to someone, like myself, who, in my very first hospital experience,
when I was born, my parents, Mr. and Mrs. Pope, upon my mother and I being
discharged, left me behind and went home with the wrong baby. (True story. Not
to make my folks look dumb or anything, but the other kid was
African-American.) Is this now accepted procedure in modern hospitals, or is
the staff at Silver Cross Hospital just a bunch of paranoid nut-cases?
Dr. Bill: The stock market today closed lower in moderate
trading, and the Dow was, oh, I'm sorry, did you address that stupid question
to me?
PJTT: Re the "sleepy stuff"...after the anest,
never mind, after the sleepy stuff doctor made her injection, they wheeled me
down to the operating room, where, one moment, I was shooting the breeze with
the OR nurse about the Chicago Blackhawks hockey team, only to awaken the next
moment in the Recovery room, procedure complete; it wasn't like drifting off to
sleep, more like falling off a cliff into oblivion. Is this normal?
Dr. Bill: Define normal.
PJTT: I wasn't sleepy or nauseous post-surgery, as my
daughter seemed to think I should be (she kept exclaiming "I can't believe
you're not sleepy" as we sat, after she got me home, eating lunch at the
dining-room table), but I have had some other post-procedure problems. The
first was a REALLY sore throat...and since the area of my anatomy that was
worked on is quite a ways south of my throat, what gives with that?
Dr. Bill: The "sleepy stuff" doctor inserts a
"ventilator tube" down your throat during the operation to ensure
that you're breathing properly (see pic below). This might explain the throat
discomfort you experienced.
PJTT: Also, the literature mentioned above noted that
"you should contact your surgeon if you do not have a bowel movement 3 to
4 days after the operation". I was unfortunate enough to become
constipated, to the tune of no BM by Monday AM (three days), at which time I in
fact contacted my surgeon, who was not in the office that day; I left a message
begging for some type of relief. (Dynamite had crossed my mind at this point.)
His nurse called me back later that day, and suggested Milk-of-Magnesia, which
I'm told is vile-tasting stuff, never having used it before. (The First
Daughter got me "cherry-flavored".) I did as Nurse Diesel suggested,
and the M of M had no more than touched my stomach when I was stricken with
the most unbelievable urge to poop I have ever had; upon sitting on my throne
(hey, I'm the Pope, remember?), I was rewarded with what I believe was truly a)
a religious experience and b) the most amazing dump I have ever taken.
("Outbound Express" comes to mind.) I considered taking pictures, but
decided that even I had more class than that. What is the cause of this horror?
Dr. Bill: Pain meds can often times cause constipation, or
it just might be that you're full of shit and it finally came to the top. Or
bottom, as the case may be.
PJTT: The other area of discomfort I went through was quite
a surprise to me...on Sunday morning after the operation, I noticed that, well,
pardon my indelicacy here, but that my genitalia were becoming bruised and
swollen, and not in the normal manner, as a prelude to, well, you know, sex. As
the day progressed, so did the bruising/swelling, to the point that, by mid-afternoon
MY JOHNSON AND RIGHT TESTICLE LOOKED LIKE SOMEONE HAD TAKEN A BALL-PEEN HAMMER
TO THEM. REPEATEDLY. WITH MALICE AFORETHOUGHT. I hadn't even started to tease
Dr. Mark about ANYTHING at that point, so I couldn't understand why he would do
this to me. Can you explain why MY JOHNSON WAS A REALLY UGLY SHADE OF
BLUE/BLACK, WHILE MY RIGHT BALL LOOKED LIKE, AND WAS THE SIZE OF, A PURPLE
EASTER EGG?
Dr. Bill: If you recall, as Nurse Diesel put it, with all
the "yanking and pulling" that goes on during surgery, the area is
subjected to stress it is not used to, thus producing the bruising and swelling
you mentioned. You will further recall that Dr. Mark explained to you that he
had to insert a 4-inch square piece of "mesh" to correct the tear in
your abdomen (bolted in, I presume); this could easily account for the bruising
and swelling you're crying about.
PJTT: Yeah, but Dr. Bill, I've done plenty of "yanking
and pulling" in that area over the course of my lonely life, and I've
never experienced anything like this. MY JOHNSON LOOKED LIKE A SHORT PIECE
(very short) OF PURPLE AND BLUE SMOKED SAUSAGE. This is normal???
Dr. Bill: Oh, did I mention that Dr. Mark received a
sizeable check from your ex-wife recently? No?
Well, followers of your Pope Guy and lovers of the
"soothing balm of Johnism", that's all the Q's and A's we time for today; I'd like to
thank Dr. Bill for his mostly non-responsive answers to my questions, and to
caution all of you...the next time you need to lift ANYTHING over 10 pounds in
weight, remember my johnson.
Oh, and FYI, I think the guy in the pic at the top of the
page looks like he's had a little too much "sleepy stuff".
Love and health insurance,
PJTT
copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.
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