WELCOME TO THE BLOG OF POPE JOHN THE TALL, LEADER OF THE ALL JOHN ALL THE TIME WORLD CHURCH


******PLEASE NOTE******

(Notice I said please.)

To those of you who are new to "the Pope" and the "AJATTWC", the following various posts are the official communications of yours truly, Pope John The Tall, or as I'm known in many circles, PJTT.

I aspired to the position of Pope of the AJATTWC several years ago, after the Roman Catholics elected Joseph Ratzinger, a German Cardinal, as their Pope; I figured if he could do it, so could I.

Despite what would seem to be a "religious" theme, I try not to play favorites: I'm satirical/irreverent about everything, in an attempt to give my readers a few yucks; that is the goal. If I haven't made you laugh, well, I tried, and I hope I'm given an "A" for the effort. (Or at least a really solid "C".)

I further hope that my faithful readers (all several of them) and any of you who wander in from the cold of the Internet, will derive much solace and spiritual awakening from my timeless prose, and, as I so often refer to it, the "soothing balm of Johnism"; if you don't, how sad for you, because I'm a pretty funny guy. (My daughter tells me, regularly, that I'm "silly"; I suspect that she's right.)

Please note that everything on my blog is meant to be fun, and in no way insulting to anyone, unless of course you're a politician, then you can assume I intended to insult you. (Hey, it goes with the job, guys; if you can't take the heat, then the harder they fall.)

Never mind.

Anyway, welcome and thanks for stopping by; please feel free to peruse to your heart's content (there is a large archive of my past posts, going back several hundred years, in the right-hand column), and please be sure to make a large donation at the door as you leave. (It's tax-deductible.)

Speaking of leaving, as I make my exit, and probably none too soon, here's something from the Book of Excretions, Apollo 13: Dodgers 6...

"Blessed are the lazy, for although they don't accomplish much, they're well rested."

Enjoy. (Or don't, it's still a free country. It is still a free country, isn't it? They haven't changed that as far as I know, have they?)





Wednesday, May 14, 2014

"...scalpel...forceps...mallet..."


(I will open today's essay with a serious disclosure...on Friday, May 9, 2014, Dr. Mark Danielson of Joliet IL, performed a hernia repair procedure on yours truly at Silver Cross Hospital in New Lenox IL. I'm going to be poking fun at some of the situations that were involved in this surgery, and the recovery afterwards, but in no way should anyone take this as an indictment of Dr. Mark; he's a great guy, an excellent surgeon/doctor and an all-around decent human being. I'm just going to be having some fun with what is proving to be a signature event in my life, but in no way does this reflect on the good doctor.)

(I just hope he has a good sense of humor and doesn't raise my bill after he reads this.)

Does the guy above look, I don't know, like he's stoned, or is it just me?

Well, sports fans, it's time once again for our favorite fix'em-up guy, Dr. Bill O'Lading, to address your health concerns in his featured column here on your Pope Guy's blog:

DR. BILL'S HEALTH TITS

I am, of course, your Pope, John The Tall, leader and 3rd base coach of the All John All The Time World Church (see explanation above for how this travesty came to be), and as you may recall, Dr. O'Lading is the director of the Church-sponsored charity, the Home For The Chronically Bewildered, as well as a regular contributor to your Popeamundo's weblog. Dr. Bill...

ring...ring...ring...

Damn, there's goes the Popephone.

"PJTT"..."hey, Mike"..."AGAIN?"..."shit"..."I know"..."I know, I make that mistake every time I do a Dr. Bill column"..."shit"...(large sigh of disgust from your Popemeister here)..."okay, I'll take care of it"..."thanks".

Shit.

That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one who does the Hanes underwear commercials); he noticed a small error in the column title above, and thought I might want to correct it.

DR. BILL'S HEALTH TIPS

Today, Dr. Bill and I are going to have a frank and earnest (he'll be Frank and I'll be Ernest) exchange of questions and answers about my recent experience with having a surgical procedure, specifically, the repair of my inguinal hernia last Friday, which I will note here was my first-ever experience with surgery and anasthist, err, anestlisti, shit, ansthrfdis, being put under to be operated upon.

(I don't want you to think I was nervous before the surgery, which was, in this instance, performed as an out-patient procedure, but my blood pressure was 356 over 90 beforehand; afterwards, they could find no pressure whatsoever. Although the "bad news" was that the operation was not a success, the "good news" was that I awoke in a place where the grilling and barbequing were outstanding.)

"Please to meet you, hope you guessed my name..." 


No, that's not true; I made that part up.

Anyway, let's get right to the Q's and A's on today's topic...

~PJTT: Dr. Bill, please explain what "iguanas" have to do with "a small tissue that bulges out through an opening in the abominable", excuse me, "abdominal wall".

~Dr. Bill: That's "INGUINAL", you moron, not "iguana". Geez, what a putz.

~PJTT: Oh, sorry. Okay, but wouldn't you say that Flaming Iguanas would be a great name for a rock band?

~Dr. Bill: Yes, on the whole, I believe that would be a superlative name for a rock band.

~PJTT: According to the literature given to me by Dr. Mark, my surgeon and knife/sword guy (his wife handles the "fire-breather" responsibilities in the family, see pic below)...
...an "inguinal hernia appears as a bulge in the groin or scrotum". Wouldn't it be a lot safer for men if this bulge was in a much less sensitive area of the anatomy, say, the middle of the forehead?

~Dr. Bill: Yes, that's probably so, but having your genitalia over your eyebrows would most likely detract from your manly good looks, to say nothing of drastically redefining the term "giving head".

~PJTT: Would this also explain why this same literature declaims that "persons sexually active before the operation reported being able to return to sexual activity in 14 days (average)"?

~Dr. Bill: It might, but since I know, as your physici, err, physcont, shit, as your doctor, that your idea of "sexual activity" involves a llama, a trombone, two companies of the NYFD and a 55-gallon drum of lime Jello, the "average" or "normal" in this case might not apply.

~PJTT: As I said, this was my first experience with anishest, shit, the "sleepy stuff" and with surgery, and I was impressed with how careful the staff was to ensure I was who I said I was (regularly checking and re-checking my ID bracelet at various steps in the procedure) and also to ensure they didn't remove a spleen or other organ by mistake (Dr. Mark asked me to confirm that the "igauna" was on my right side, and initialed same, prior to surgery); this was particularly comforting to someone, like myself, who, in my very first hospital experience, when I was born, my parents, Mr. and Mrs. Pope, upon my mother and I being discharged, left me behind and went home with the wrong baby. (True story. Not to make my folks look dumb or anything, but the other kid was African-American.) Is this now accepted procedure in modern hospitals, or is the staff at Silver Cross Hospital just a bunch of paranoid nut-cases?

Dr. Bill: The stock market today closed lower in moderate trading, and the Dow was, oh, I'm sorry, did you address that stupid question to me?


PJTT: Re the "sleepy stuff"...after the anest, never mind, after the sleepy stuff doctor made her injection, they wheeled me down to the operating room, where, one moment, I was shooting the breeze with the OR nurse about the Chicago Blackhawks hockey team, only to awaken the next moment in the Recovery room, procedure complete; it wasn't like drifting off to sleep, more like falling off a cliff into oblivion. Is this normal?

Dr. Bill: Define normal.

PJTT: I wasn't sleepy or nauseous post-surgery, as my daughter seemed to think I should be (she kept exclaiming "I can't believe you're not sleepy" as we sat, after she got me home, eating lunch at the dining-room table), but I have had some other post-procedure problems. The first was a REALLY sore throat...and since the area of my anatomy that was worked on is quite a ways south of my throat, what gives with that?

Dr. Bill: The "sleepy stuff" doctor inserts a "ventilator tube" down your throat during the operation to ensure that you're breathing properly (see pic below). This might explain the throat discomfort you experienced.

PJTT: Also, the literature mentioned above noted that "you should contact your surgeon if you do not have a bowel movement 3 to 4 days after the operation". I was unfortunate enough to become constipated, to the tune of no BM by Monday AM (three days), at which time I in fact contacted my surgeon, who was not in the office that day; I left a message begging for some type of relief. (Dynamite had crossed my mind at this point.) His nurse called me back later that day, and suggested Milk-of-Magnesia, which I'm told is vile-tasting stuff, never having used it before. (The First Daughter got me "cherry-flavored".) I did as Nurse Diesel suggested, and the M of M had no more than touched my stomach when I was stricken with the most unbelievable urge to poop I have ever had; upon sitting on my throne (hey, I'm the Pope, remember?), I was rewarded with what I believe was truly a) a religious experience and b) the most amazing dump I have ever taken. ("Outbound Express" comes to mind.) I considered taking pictures, but decided that even I had more class than that. What is the cause of this horror?

Dr. Bill: Pain meds can often times cause constipation, or it just might be that you're full of shit and it finally came to the top. Or bottom, as the case may be.

PJTT: The other area of discomfort I went through was quite a surprise to me...on Sunday morning after the operation, I noticed that, well, pardon my indelicacy here, but that my genitalia were becoming bruised and swollen, and not in the normal manner, as a prelude to, well, you know, sex. As the day progressed, so did the bruising/swelling, to the point that, by mid-afternoon MY JOHNSON AND RIGHT TESTICLE LOOKED LIKE SOMEONE HAD TAKEN A BALL-PEEN HAMMER TO THEM. REPEATEDLY. WITH MALICE AFORETHOUGHT. I hadn't even started to tease Dr. Mark about ANYTHING at that point, so I couldn't understand why he would do this to me. Can you explain why MY JOHNSON WAS A REALLY UGLY SHADE OF BLUE/BLACK, WHILE MY RIGHT BALL LOOKED LIKE, AND WAS THE SIZE OF, A PURPLE EASTER EGG?

Dr. Bill: If you recall, as Nurse Diesel put it, with all the "yanking and pulling" that goes on during surgery, the area is subjected to stress it is not used to, thus producing the bruising and swelling you mentioned. You will further recall that Dr. Mark explained to you that he had to insert a 4-inch square piece of "mesh" to correct the tear in your abdomen (bolted in, I presume); this could easily account for the bruising and swelling you're crying about.

PJTT: Yeah, but Dr. Bill, I've done plenty of "yanking and pulling" in that area over the course of my lonely life, and I've never experienced anything like this. MY JOHNSON LOOKED LIKE A SHORT PIECE (very short) OF PURPLE AND BLUE SMOKED SAUSAGE. This is normal???

Dr. Bill: Oh, did I mention that Dr. Mark received a sizeable check from your ex-wife recently? No?

Well, followers of your Pope Guy and lovers of the "soothing balm of Johnism", that's all the Q's and A's we time for today; I'd like to thank Dr. Bill for his mostly non-responsive answers to my questions, and to caution all of you...the next time you need to lift ANYTHING over 10 pounds in weight, remember my johnson.

Oh, and FYI, I think the guy in the pic at the top of the page looks like he's had a little too much "sleepy stuff".

Love and health insurance,

PJTT

copyright 2014 Krissongs Inc.

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