Sperm Bank Announces New Policy: Home Delivery (Just Like Dominos, Guaranteed Hot)

SOMEBODY, somewhere, decided to buy into that old adage about "never send a boy to do a man's job".

"Hang on, Marilyn, I'm coming," he cried, with no pun intended. (I hope.)

Okay, here's the real story on the "Sperm Bike":

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/28/seattle-sperm-bike_n_1063606.html?ref=weird-news

Love the quote from the guy at the Sperm Bank: "You put a giant sperm on a bike, and you're going to get some attention."

I think that qualifies as the understatement of the day.

Anyway, I'm glad the Seattle Sperm Bank is doing such a fabulous job for their customers; you have to admit though, my version of the story is much funnier.

Love and turkey-basters,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

Happy Empty Hotdog (or) Have A Great Holloweenie!

Since I hadn't yet been selected to be the Pope of the All John All The Time World Church last Halloween, this will be my first annual Happy Holloweenie post, and I think it's going to be a good one. And since my opinion is the only one that counts, at least here at the AJATTWC, tough cookies what you guys think.

First, a little history of the holiday (and name) Halloween. (Or would you rather I go right into the dirt-bag stuff? Yeah, that's what I thought you would say.) But you know what? For once, your ol' Pope Guy is going to show some taste and do this whole Halloween presentation properly, and with class. (If the Pumpkin Lady up at the top of the page turns around, she'll be showing some serious, umm, class also.)

The word Halloween is a Scottish variant of the words All Hallow's Even, which translates into modern English as All Hallowed Evening, or in other words, the night before November 1st, which is All Saints Day on the Roman Catholic calendar. The jack o' lanterns, which were originally carved to commemorate the souls in Purgatory, as well as the witches and goblins and Rick Perrys and all that other scary stuff came from various similar pagan rituals and old country traditions that all refined down to the celebration of Halloween that we have today, complete with the elements of magic, witchcraft, hauntings, the dead rising, cats and dogs sleeping together (thanks, Billy M.) and so many other of our more quaint Halloween traditions.

For example, the tradition of "dressing up" for Halloween came from Irish and Scottish festivals that celebrated the end of summer and the beginning of what was referred to as "O'Freak Time", when people would make themselves up in various scary motifs, to amuse friends and scare the living bejeezus out of all the kids in the neighborhood. Here's an example of a 16th century "o'shamus" or "goofball", as they were known then.

This tradition was eventually refined down to "trick-or-treating", where village children would dress in fanciful costumes (see the Cowboy Pope costume below) and go door to door in the village, mockingly threatening to pull a "Trick" on the individual villager if they weren't given a "Treat".

(My grandfather, Pope Howard The Humble, tells the story of how the villagers in his time stopped the annoying tradition of trick-or-treating; gramps lived in Hell...Hell MI...

...and of course, since it was Hell, they had the gates thereto, right outside of town. So one Halloween, when Gramps and all the neighbors had had enough window soaping, and outhouse tipping, and wargle flogging (ever had your wargle flogged? well I should say) and newspaper in the trees (hey, it was the Depression, nobody could afford toilet paper) and so forth, the neighbors all got together, rounded up all the village kids, blindfolded them and took them out to...

...the Gates Of Hell, and told the little miscreants that any further mischief in the town on Halloween would result in ALL the children being "banished to the Gates Of Hell", or at least to Cleveland, for the rest of their natural lives.

The following Halloween, there were no incidents of vandalism or wanton foolishness, other than the "Bobbing For Alligators" down at the VFW's "Haunted House".

Other types of Halloween...damn (phone rings in background).

"PJTT...hey, Mike, happy Halloween...yeah, thanks, what's up?...they want us to go WHERE?...Zimbabwe? What the hell is in Zimbabwe, except the ebert?...oh, yeah, you're right, that is LOWER Zimbabwe for the ebert...he did what?...ooohh, that's sick...so why are we being sent there?...they really think this guy can be saved?...oh...oh...(large sigh of resignation here)...okay, when do we leave?...THIS AFTERNOON?!? Geez, thanks for the advance warning...okay, get the guys in back to fire up the Kidding, get her fitted out and loaded, and we'll leave as soon as they're ready. Have you reached Art yet?...yeah, okay, lemme' know."

That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one that plays golf with Charles Barkley); he informed me that the Bored Of Elders needs myself, the Harley Dog, Mike, and Captain Art Senscrafts, the pilot of my atomic powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, or RU Kidding for short, to be off on an emergency missionary trip to Zimbabwe, to spread the message of the soothing balm of Johnism, because if the reports on AOL.com are accurate, there's some folks down there that REALLY need some help. Maybe all they can get.

I'll give you a full report when we return.

(...several days later...)

Wow. Boy, there was a guy who was in SERIOUS need of the soothing balm of Johnism, amongst a few other things, like serious psychiatric help as an example.

Or maybe it was Halloween magic...ooohhoooohhoooohh.

Okay, it seems "a 28-year old Zimbabwe man who was arrested for allegedly having sex with a donkey tied to a tree had a simple explanation for his actions: the donkey was actually a prostitute who had, well, made an ass of herself."

"According to the newspaper New Zimbabwe, Sunday Moyo, the 28-year-old, told the court he paid $20 for a prostitute he met at a nightclub. Somewhere in the time between meeting her and when he was arrested, the prostitute transformed from a woman into a donkey."

"'Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested,'" he told the court. Mr. Moyo went on to say that, "'I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with (the) donkey.'" Love Potion #9, maybe?

According to local police, "Moyo was charged with bestiality and ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation."

And the Bored wanted us to do what to help this guy? HE WAS MAKING IT WITH A DONKEY, YOU NIMRODS, WHAT THE HELL WERE WE SUPPOSED TO DO FOR HIM? FIX HIM UP WITH A ZEBRA NEXT? GEEZ.

Okay, so we spread the good word of the soothing balm of Johnism all over the Zimbabweanian countryside, checked out some really excellent Old Lion Ale, had a few laughs and headed home. Maybe there was Halloween magic in this incident, but I sure didn't see it. But we did enjoy our first time in Africa, land of headshrinkers (2nd only to Beverly Hills) and Lower Zimbabweanian eberts, and magic donkeys (?).

Do you guys remember the ebert? It's a small, furry two-headed mammal with an enormous sex-organ from Lower Zimbabwe. (The ebert is from Lower Zimbabwe, not it's sex-organ.)

You know, I just can't think of a way to end this story...a donkey. Yeeooooowah.

If I really knew any Halloween magic, I think I'd make Mr. Moyo disappear.

Love and bubbling cauldrons,

PJTT

Copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

The Ectasy Of Hickory And The Agony Of The Feet

"O wonder!

How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world!

That has such people in it!"

(From a speech by the character 'Miranda' in Shakespeare's The Tempest, Act V, Scene 1.)

I recently received an email from Strudel Boy, you know, the OTHER pope, over there in Rome; he was going on about how excited he was to see the CARDINALS in the World Series this year, and how unfortunate it was that the ANGELS were not represented. (Please keep in mind, SB comes from Europe, and their idea of big-time athletic competition is soccer. Yes, that's right, fans, soccer, the sports world's answer to the question of how best to treat insomnia.)

So I responded, and pointed out to him that, in this instance, CARDINALS refers to the red bird, not the Princes of the Church, as they're known. (Here at the All John All The Time World Church, we don't have "Princes"; all we have is me, your all-time favorite Pope Guy, and the Harley Dog. That's it. That's all we need to be a quick-responding, ready in any spiritual emergency EMT (Emergency Missionary Technician) team.)

I also pointed out to him that the ANGELS he was referring to were from Los Angeles of Anaheim, and were not the denizens of Heaven as he thought them to be, and that based on the way they played during the 2011 season, there was very little likelihood that any of the members of the team would see the inside of Paradise any time soon.

Anyway, SB, the Cardinals will prevail, in seven games, over the heathen Rangers from the great, heathen state of Texas, and all will be right with the Wide World Of Sports again. (Now, if the Bears can figure a way to win the Super Bowl, things would really be headed in the right direction.)

There must be something to this connection between religion and sports, other than how often the word "goddammit" is heard on the playing field; Tim Tebow, after engineering a come-from-behind win for the Denver Broncos in his first start at quarterback this past Sunday, thanked his personal Savior Jesus for the win, and the other night, in the Cards huge blowout victory over the Rangers 16-7 in Game Three of the WS, Albert Pujols hit three (as in 3) homeruns in that game, and made a "thanks much, appreciate the help" gesture to heaven as he crossed home plate each time.

"Lord willing", or "the Good Lord smiled on us today" or "I made a pact with Satan to get this win", wait, that really doesn't fit here, forget that one, or "I'm going to Disney World", boy, lot's of praying and beseeching going on just to score more points (or less, depending on the sport) than the other guy, who presumably is asking God for His help for his team at the same time.

Do you think that God might be a sports fan? I mean, why not? We already know he has a wonderful sense of the absurd (see: platypus, armadillo, Rick Perry, Republicans, the NBA and Rosie O'Donnell), so why couldn't he be an athletic supporter?

Yeah, okay, it sounds like a pretty dumb idea to me, too.

And speaking of great ideas, (we weren't, but it seemed like a good segue, which, when you consider how seldom I use segues, ought to earn your Pope Dude a few props, okay?), please check out the video below (down); I love these things.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfcNoMnKjrY

Again.

This headline just in: the Chicago Cubs, in a last ditch effort to try and attain SOME relevance, hired former Boston Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein as their new GM. I guess they felt that was as close to God as they would be able to get, without making any REALLY long-term commitments. (Theo signed for five years at about 90 bajillion dollars per.)

Okay, so who will give me even money on what happens first; the end of Theo's five-year deal, or a World Series win for the Cubs? (I'm taking the end of the deal.)

So maybe there is something to this connection between the Almighty and major-league sports; the Cubs winning a World Series?

Yeah, that would qualify as a miracle.

Love and batting helmets,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs Inc.

The October 2011 "NOBULLetin"

"Rick Perry is running for what?"

I would apologize for the hiatus that I, your favorite Pope, took recently, but since I suspect that not many of you even noticed I was gone, I'll not bother.

Oh, the plight of the homeless prophet, crying out, alone in the wilderness, his voice to be heard. (Hey, how's that for poetic?)

Once a month, or 213 times annually, the All John All The Time World Church publishes it's monthly newsletter, the NOBULLetin, to let all the followers of your Pope and the Church know about the various happenings and events that are taking place here at the AJATTWC.

So, without further ado, from our headquarters here in the bucolic and totally decrepit San Fernando Valley in the great city of LA (pronounced LAH) in the equally great state of Confusion, err, excuse me, California, here is your NOBULLetin for October, 1568.

*"Johner Of The Month" For October*

            The coveted reward, given by the Bored Of Elders of the AJATTWC every month to one of the Pope's most fervent and loyal adherents to the "soothing balm of Johnism", is this month awarded to:

Mr. Gene Mynahan of

Cochituate MA

            Congratulations, Gene! And as a further token of the Bored's esteem, Gene will be given a boiler-plate, generic plague, commemorating this hysterical, err, sorry, historical event. With that plague and 10 bucks, Gene can go to any Mickey D's in the country and get a 1/4-Pounder W/Cheese Combo, a chocolate shake and about 15 bajillion grams of fat. Enjoy, big guy!

*Men's Club Book Burning*

            The AJATTWC Men's Club President Brother Gideon Bible announced recently that the Men's Club will be sponsoring an outing to the local branch of the City Of LA Library, to burn a number of books, in a symbolic gesture of some sort, that the Men's Club officers find objectionable. Included on their list of books that "have to go" are the following:

            "Huck Finn" by Mark Twain

            "The Catcher In The Rye" by J.D. Salinger

            "Fahrenheit 451" by Ray Bradbury (who's topic is the suppression of knowledge by the burning of books)

            "Where The Wild Things Are" by Maurice Sendak

Wait a minute, this is so wrong; hang on while I make a call, would you?

ring...ring...rin

"Monsignor Mike."

"Mike, it's PJ, how you doin'?"

"Hey, boss, I'm fine today, what's up?"

"Did you approve this Men's Club outing, this book-burning thing?"

"'Book-burning thing'"? No, I don't know anything about it. What are you talking about?"

"I'm writing the BULLetin for October and one of the announcements that Gideon wanted me to make was for a Men's Club outing to the local branch of the LA Public Library to burn a bunch of books. What the hell is that all about?"

"Beats me," said my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one who played at North Carolina), "it's the first I've heard about it."

"Okay, well, this isn't going in the BULLetin, believe me, because it isn't going to happen. You get a hold of Brother Bible and tell him that this "outing" is cancelled, per me. Got it?"

"Yes, sir, I'll see to it immediately." He hung up, and that was that. (Sometimes, it's good to be the Pope.)

Geez. Book-burning?!? When did the AJATTWC become a local chapter of the Tea Bag Party? Yikes, that's scary, like that nut-case minister down there in FL who wanted to burn the Koran on the anniversary of 9/11.

Sorry folks, not in my church.

Oh, by the way; "Mongolian Death Worms".

That was a title of a movie that was shown recently on the SyFy Channel; I didn't watch it, but I thought the name was historical, err, shit, hysterical. If I ever have the opportunity to make a movie, I think my title will be "Cockroaches Of Death From Beyond The Galaxy", starring Jennifer Aniston as "Jen", the heroine and love interest (who's nipples show through her shirt all throughout the movie) of "Ashton", played by Ashton Kutcher, who's real name is Mr. Demi Moore, at least for the moment, and as "Carl T. Cockroach", Charlie Sheen, who is, the "Cockroach Of Death From Beyond The Galaxy". Coming soon to a theatre near you.

All right, let's get back to the announcements.

*Woman's Club Bake Sale*

            There is currently no Woman's Club Bake Sale scheduled, according to Club President Virginia Ham; however, in the history of the AJATTWC and the NOBULLetin, there has never been an edition that did not contain a reference to a Woman's Club Bake Sale, and I didn't want to set an unfortunate precedent.

*Fund-Raising Drive....forget it, that book-burning thing has me too upset to finish the BULLetin. I can't believe that anyone in this supposedly "enlightened" age can still think that you can control people's thoughts by suppressing ideas and knowledge. Did we digress back to Germany in the '30s when I wasn't looking? Are you kidding? (That's the name of my atomic powered rocket ship: the R U Kidding. Sorry.) And "banning", the less intrusive, but equally offensive removal of books from approved reading lists for schools: there's quasi-government agencies, such as school boards, who determine what your child can, or cannot, read. Don't believe me? This is a mild example:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2011/jul/29/slaughterhouse-five-banned-us-school

Pay attention, folks; there's people out there who want to control what you and your children read, and if that doesn't scare the shit outta' you, it sure does me.

Well, anyway, this wasn't one of my better BULLetins, but I'll do better next month, I promise.

(Next month, somebody will probably want the Teen Club to take a field trip to a condom factory. Which, now that I think about it, might not be such a bad idea.)

Prayer Requests*

            -Sister Georgia Peach asks that everyone remember her father, Eat A. (and thank you, Duane and Greg and the boys), who is having a stone removed next week;

            -Brother Art Gallery would like you to pray for his sister, Peanut, who is having surgery on her "tookus" next Thursday;

            -Sister Amber Wavesofgrain asks that everyone remember her pet platypus, Rosie, who passed away last week at the age of 14; Rosie will be missed by all.

*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*

Okay, here's the list of sponsors; do the Bored a favor and check these merchants out. They help fund the exorbitant salary, err, pittance that the Bored pays me twice a month.

-The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorneys At Law

"We're in it for the dough."

            www.MyLawyerCanWhipYourLawyer.com

-Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor

"Tie Me Up and Feed Me Pizza"

227 North Bondage Ave.

-L.A. Beautiful-"It's Time For Your Dream Body"

            Visit us at www.labeautiful.com

            All Types Of Plastic Surgery including:

            -breast augmentation

            -breast lifts

            -male breast ("moobs") reduction

            -hammer toe, (and "screwdriver ear")

            -facelift

            -tummy tuck

            -and many others

            Receive $1000 OFF any qualified procedure with this bulletin

            Free Limo Service with qualified procedures

(The above is an actual ad that appears periodically in the L.A. Times. Other than the "bulletin" part. You can check out the website if you don't believe me. Only in LA.)

Hey, does anyone out there have an extra copy of "Slaughterhouse 5"? I'm trying to get my grill going so I can burn some burgers for the Harley Dog and myself, and I need some kindling.

Love and Samuel Clemens,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.