Pirates Of The Scarydream

After the Harley Dog and I got back from the planet Xanthous a few days ago, where I attended a conference of galactic spiritual and religious folks (and believe me, those two things are mutually exclusive in many cases, at least here on Earth), I decided we needed a few days of taking it easy on the SS Dee Dee, the Popesedential yacht. Yeah, I know, we did a lot of relaxing when we were on Xanthous, but that was business-related relaxing; its not the same as sailing on the Dee Dee, hanging out, enjoying the sea and doing gross guy things.

For those of you who aren't familiar with me, I'm Pope John The Tall of the All John All The Time World Church, and my buddy and official canine of the Church is the Harley Dog; he's also the backup navigator when we take my atomic powered space ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, or RU Kidding for short, out on voyages to places "where no man (or woman for that matter) have gone before". Like the planet Xanthous. We're off to the Caecilian Halcyon in the Rings of Anopheles next week, to visit the planet Hyperion, this time to check out some property the Church wants to purchase and build a cathedral upon, you know, something along the lines of the Crystal Palace down there in Orange County CA, only much less ostentatious, which shouldn't be difficult. (The Taj Mahal is less ostentatious than the Crystal Palace.)

Now the SS Dee Dee, as I said, is the official yacht of the Pope Guy, and she's a beauty: a 245 foot, twin-engined craft capable of 5982 knots (that's 38 mph to you non-nautical types, or piR squared plus postage and handling), sleeps 115 guests, (or about 75 NFL defensive lineman), has a swimming pool, beauty salon, casino, massage parlor, pizza parlor, several tennis courts, the Sears Tower (I will NOT call that building "the Willis Tower"; screw the jerks that bought it, they should never have changed the name), two pubs and its own zip-code. Yeah, the Dee Dee is totally cool.

We drove down to the dock where we keep the Dee Dee moored (SSDD, get it, come on you guys, turn the page with me), boarded and went about getting her ready to embark. (By the way, "embark" backwards is "krabme", just so you know. There's a street right down the road from my headquarters here in the sun-drenched, bucolic San Fernando Valley named Moorpark, which is "kraproom" backwards. Now don't you feel better knowing these things?)

We got underway and set sail for our place in the Sargasso Sea, on Snacilbuper Island (pronounced SNACK-ILL-BUPER; you can figure out what that one is backwards by yourselves); the autopilot had us on the right course, and the engines were humming as we cruised along at a nice, leisurely pace. I went below for an adult beverage (nothing for Harley; as far as I know, Harley doesn't drink, at least not in front of me) and we settled in for the afternoon. The sun was bright in the sky, a round ball of heat and light, and its light was a little blinding as it reflected off the water. There was an easy breeze from out of the south, warm and inviting, like a caress on your skin almost, and it made whitecaps on the waves as they broke. There was that fine, marine-salty aroma of the ocean wafting through the air, and as I sat with my feet propped up on the railing, sunning myself and enjoying the day, all was right with the world. It was warm, and exotic and warm, and pleasant, and warm, and we're drifting, and I'm drifting, lazily along with the current...

...riiing...riing...riing...RIING...okay, okay, I'm coming...geez, what time is it?...What...Mike, its 4:00am, this had better be good...they did, when?...you sure?...yeah, that's amazing news...yeah, okay, I'm glad you woke me up...yeah...hey, listen, while I'm thinking of it, are we still on for gerbil golf later?...cool...yeah, call me later...thanks.

My consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (not THAT Michael Jordan, he was the one in that movie "Space Jam" a few years go) just called to tell me the great news, and your Pope couldn't be more pleased. Boy, what a banner day for the planet this is; according to RRMMJ, Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton Hotel California announced at a post-Grammy Awards party last week THAT THEY HAD ENDED THEIR FEUD AND WERE NOW "BFFs" AGAIN. (You were aware that they were feuding, right?) I am ecstatic, and I'm sure the stock market will rise later today on the strength of this report; optimism will again reign supreme.

Kardashian and Hilton, or as they're otherwise known, the Wit Sisters, Half and Dim.

Of course, this was the second bit of earthshaking news to emanate from "Hollywood" recently; earlier this week, in a surprise development, Charlie Sheen, the star of the hit TV series, "Two And A Half Men", (I always wanted to ask which one was the "half") offered to give advise to Lindsay Lohan on how to handle staying sober, in an effort to assist her in her struggles to regain whatever little common sense, if any, she previously possessed. Unfortunately for Charlie, however, there is a statute in the California Penal Code (CPC 5268 sec(5d) (para L) that states as follows: "In the event that one totally incompetent "Hollywood Celebrity", said "Celebrityness" to be determined by the amount of times said "Hollywood Celebrity" is mentioned in the various tabloids and entertainment media for any drunken and/or drug-induced stupid act, such amount to be no less than five (5) times in any six-month period, offers advise on maintaining sobriety to another "Hollywood Celebrity" of equal or greater doofusness, such attempt at giving advise shall be termed "the blind leading the blind", and said "Hollywood Celebrity" offering such advise shall and will be immediately taken out and shot by the Sheriff's Department of the county in which the "blind leading the blind" offense occurs, to ensure that the spread of gross stupidity be halted as quickly as possible." Hey, Charlie, there are probably 150 families who are dependent on their incomes from being employed on your show who are now not working because you can't stay clean and insist on spending a great deal of your time stoned off your ass in hotel rooms, having drunken, drug-fueled orgies with hookers, or in rehab, which apparently isn't having much effect. How about if you let LiLo screw up on her own and you figure out how to get back to work so all the "little people" on "TAAHM" can get back to earning a living. You douche-bag.

I do so love living in LA (pronounced LAH); its one of the few places in the universe where the possession of an IQ that's roughly equivalent to a good golf score makes you an Einstein. With Hollywood having a lineup like this (Sheen, Lohan, Kardashian and Hilton) there's no way that Washington will ever be able to corner the market on doofusness.

And I hate it when someone wakes me up out of a dead sleep, especially when I'm dreaming; the older I get, the longer it seems to take me to get reaclimated to reality, not that there's a lot of reality going on out here in LA, all the dopey shows to the contrary.

I think Harley and I need a few days of taking it easy on the SS Dee Dee, the Popesedential yacht, which, by the way, was named for my ex-girlfriend, Dee Dee Spanxalot. You know, hanging out, enjoying the sea and doing gross guy things. Wait, that's where this whole nightmare began, up at the top of the page, isn't it?

Never mind.

Love and anchors,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.

The Tenets Of "Johnism"

I've been asked by a number of my followers (all six of them), and encouraged by my staff, to expound on the various dogma (which is the female half of a set of canine parents, I imagine) that constitute the positions of the Pope of the All John All The Time World Church on such matters as abortion, gay marriage, birth control, gerbil golf and other weighty topics. In essence, what my staff has asked me to do is to formulate my ideas and thoughts into a formal collection of canon law for the AJATTWC that will be forever known as "Johnism".

After giving the matter careful consideration, (about 13 seconds), I decided that, yes, it would most likely be of great value to and provide guidance for my flock if I were to write what the Roman Catholics refer to as a Papal Encyclical (which, as you can see, is named after the Pape) that addresses many of the important issues that face us all in these troubling times. That and I don't have anything better to do this morning, so why not?

Since there are so many of these important issues that need be included in what I'm going to refer to as, in the interest of brevity, something of which I am rarely accused, my Sickle, giving each it's just desserts may require more than one post, so I'll deal with as many as I can today, and if need be, continue tomorrow. And ad infinitum, if necessary. (Don't you find that the use of Latin phrases in documents of this kind lend them a certain credence? And wasn't that a rock band from back in the '60s? "I see a bad moon arisin'...")

In no apparent order, other than as they occur to me, here goes:

Gay Marriage-

            Those of you who have followed the Popemeister should already know my feelings on this matter; I, speaking for the AJATTWC, have absolutely no problem with gays getting married, to each other or to their pet Gila monsters if they so choose. It's been my experience that an awful lot of married persons are mostly miserable with their situation and/or their partner (and a divorce rate in this country of OVER 50% would seem to support my conclusions) and that if gays want to be equally miserable, they should be allowed to do so. I figure anyone goofy enough to actively desire this type of indentured slavery should have the opportunity to experience it. With that said, my message to my various gay friends and to the gay community at large would be, you go, girl.

Birth Control-

            The position of the AJATTWC on this most personal of issues is one of tolerance, and in fact, in many instances, encouragement. That's right, I, as your Pope Guy, would strongly encourage those of you married folks (and those of you single folks who are living sinful, slutty lives as well) who are less than, shall we say, appealing in your physical appearance to consider practicing whatever method of birth control you feel is most appropriate for you. In other words, if you are the possessor of a face that can provoke the howling of animals or causes small children to weep uncontrollably, you are urged to bring no further little ugly people into a world already inundated with your kind, the proliferation of which many of my ex-girlfriends stand as testament thereto. For all of our sakes, if you're so ugly that your attendance at a dogfight might cause some people to believe you to be a competitor, forego progeny. Please. And for those of you who are less than svelte, shall we say, (in other words, if you look like the north end of a southbound truck with a "WIDE LOAD" sign attached) please apply the same logic.

             The rest of you should do whatever you feel is in your best interests; I recommend vasectomies (please refer to my post of February 10th for a more thorough explanation of this procedure). From my personal experience, I can assure you that abstinence is effective also, although in my case it has been involuntary.

Gerbil Golf-

            We have a saying here at Camp AJATTWC, with regards to mental/physical health: "Clean Mind/Clean Body: Pick One". The Pope suggests that all persons should be involved in some type of exercise regimen, be it active participation in such competitive sports as softball, basketball or cow-tipping, or running/walking or even gerbil golf; since exercise is of a beneficial nature to the health and well-being of all people, especially those of you who are "flabby-butts", we strongly encourage it. We're also aware of the controversy surrounding gerbil golf, and while we acknowledge the concerns of such groups as the ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) and POGO (Protect Our Gerbils Organization), the sacrificing of a few innocent furry animals in the pursuit of fitness seems a small price to pay, given the health benefits (to say nothing of the thrill of whacking one of those little suckers off your second floor balcony with a five or seven iron, depending on your lie). (Hang on a minute; I just looked at that "ASPCA" acronym. Shouldn't that be ASFTPOCTA? Looks like the Animal Cruelty people left off a few letters.)

Prayer In Schools-

            We had an incident here recently in one of the LAUSD (Los Angeles Unified School District, and at least they go the acronym right) high schools where a student brought a loaded (LOADED) handgun on campus in his backpack, placed said backpack on a table in a science lab in such a manner as to cause said handgun to go off, thereby wounding two other students who were sitting at the adjacent table. (Praise God, no one died.) Given the manner in which children of today's society seem to comport themselves, if I'm a teacher, school administrator or any other type of educational employee, you damn betcha' I'm praying.

Lindsay Lohan-

            Ms. Lohan's most recent legal "difficulties", where she was videotaped wearing a $2500 necklace that she obtained from a Venice CA jewelry store, unfortunately and allegedly without the benefit of having actually paid for the item, and her subsequent indictment on felony theft charges as a result, on top of her multiple arrests for driving under the influence, her violation of her probation, her admission of drug usage during her probation, her occasional absence from judicial proceedings where her presence was required by law, the investigation by the San Bernadino Sheriff's Department into an alleged assault by her upon an employee of the rehab clinic where she was a patient plus her general "Screw you, I'm a celebrity so I don't give a shit what you mere mortals think or say" only lends support to the AJATTWC's ongoing position that the best thing that can happen to Ms. Lohan is that she be sterilized to prevent her from bringing any further really stupid, obnoxious people into the world. This is also our position vis-a-vis her idiot father as well (once again, please see my post of February 10th as a guide to the surgical procedure of vasectomy).

I will continue my Sickle with further in-depth examinations of Johnism and the various tenets that comprise the positions of the All John All The Time World Church in tomorrow's post, where I will deal with various issues such as the 2nd Amendment, global warming, short people, rampant foolishness and others. As your Pope, I would urge you to study those and the above ideas in great depth so as to comprehend them thoroughly and to understand how to apply them to your own sordid, unhappy lives.

Dog paw would be the male half of a set of canine parents, wouldn't "he"?

Love and papal edicts,

PJTT

copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.