"...she's my little deuce coupe, you don't know what I got...".
Great car, great song, lousy English and you want to know what I don't got? A cool ride like this...(large sigh of resignation here)...but I'll get over it.
You have to admit, though, it would be a really cool Popemobile.
Back to business: once a month, or every 6.23 weeks on the Julian calendar, the Bored Of Elders at the All John All The Time World Church directs their Pope, (that would be me), to publish a newsletter detailing for all our faithful followers, and for the non-faithful as well, the various and sundry happenings here at the AJATTWC, which we call the NOBULLetin.
And so, for the month of November, 2256, here is this month's NOBULLetin, being seen here today in it's entirety with no commercial interruptions.
*"Johner Of The Month" For November*
The AJATTWC's coveted award, which each month recognizes a member of the Pope's flock for their commitment to the soothing balm of Johnism, (or one who has made a LARGE cash donation recently), is given this month to:
Eric Meinke of
Plainfield IL
Congratulations, Eric, and please keep up the good work (and thanks for the dough as well). As a further token of the Bored's esteem, a Xerox copy of a handsome commemorative plaque to memorialize this momentous event will be given to the lucky wiener, err, winner. Eric, with this award and about eight bucks, you can get that new Western Burrito BBQ Jalapeno Double Cheeseburger at any Texas Slim's Roadhouse Burgers and Firing Range. Great job, buddy, and keep up the good work. (And keep the checks coming too; thanks.)
(Hey, faithful followers, please pay attention; last month I wrote "p-l-a-G-u-e", which I guess would mean "a commemorative contagious disease that is deadly", and NOBODY noticed. As you can imagine, that was not the message I was attempting to convey. If attention lapses such as this occur again in the future, there will be sanctions.)
*Men's Club Outing Last Month*
Our Men's Club President, Brother Gary Indiana, would like to report that, despite all the build-up in advance of their trip to Racing Rock Park, the actual visit to see the running of the Flintstone 500 (yards) was less exciting then anticipated. (Brother Alan Wrench said, "it sucked"; Brother Alan needs to learn to be more direct with his observations.) Brother Gary said that several Men's Club members attending the event seemed to think that, although it is unique in the annals of rock racing history, watching a rock move across the floor of the desert (considering they move so slow that the movement can't be seen with the naked eye, or even a semi-naked one), is something akin to watching traffic lights turn from red to yellow to green and back again, over and over.
The group is discussing attending the next Republican Party Presidential Debate, but decided that one REALLY boring event was enough for a while.
*Woman's Club Bake Sale*
There is currently no Woman's Club Bake Sale scheduled, according to Club President Virginia Ham; however, in the history of the AJATTWC and the NOBULLetin, there has never been an edition that did not contain a reference to a Woman's Club Bake Sale, and I didn't want to set an unfortunate precedent with this month's.
*All-Member Church Meeting*
The Bored Of Elders of the AJATTWC has scheduled an All-Member's Church Meeting for next Thursday, Star Date 98.6, at 7:00AMPM, to discuss using outdoor advertising to promote the Church. Brother Gideon Bible, Head Elder, assisted by Brother Justin Case, Shoulder Elder, will give a brief Power Point presentation, which will be followed by an open-floor discussion of the topic. Brother Bible has stated that he hopes we're able to do a better job than the Atheists, who managed to attribute a quote (see above) to Thomas Jefferson that, apparently, Mr. Jefferson never uttered. (Good job, you heathen sluts.)
Sister Georgia Peach is in charge of refreshments for this event; please contact her if you can bring a dish. (Or a plate.) (Or a rutabaga.)
*Lecture By Dr. O'Lading*
Dr. Bill O'Lading, the distinguished Director of our Church-sponsored charity, the Home For The Chronically Bewildered, will give a lecture next Sunday, after services, in the Church Meeting Hall entitled "You Don't Have To Be A Moron To Be An Atheist, But it Helps". Dr. O'Lading's talk will focus on just how dumb you have to be to a) be an athiest and b) not check your facts before you put them on a 50 foot by 20 foot outdoor (is there such a thing as an "indoor"?) billboard.
Please let Sister Robin Snest in the Church office know if you plan to attend, and hurry, because the seats are filling up fast. (And when was the last time your seat was full?)
*Teen Club Looking For Ideas*
Sister Penny Lane, the Teen Club moderator and our welding (no, not "wedding") expert here at the AJATTWC, has made a request to all the Members for fund-raising ideas that the Teen Club can consider for next year. You will recall, this year's drive, the selling of raffle tickets to "Win An Evening With Elvis" was less than successful; our erstwhile Junior Members unfortunately didn't realize the King had passed on some years ago.
So please, let's put our thinking caps on and give the kids some great ideas, preferably ones that don't involve dead entertainers.
*Prayer Requests*
-Brother Glen Plaid asks that we remember his aunt, Sister Maureen Corps, who is having a watermelon-sized growth removed from your uvula next week;
-Sister Rosemary Enthyme asks that we pray for her pet Komodo dragon, Fluffy, who is having a tail reduction after the holidays;
-Brother Mac Encheese asks that we remember his half-brother, Mayor Mc, who recalls nothing.
*Please Patronize Our Sponsors*
Okay, here's the list of sponsors; do the Bored a favor and check these merchants out. They help fund the exorbitant salary, err, pittance that the Bored pays me twice a month.
-The Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Attorneys At Law
"We're in it for the dough."
www.MyLawyerCanWhipYourLawyer.com
-Sam's S&M Dungeon and Pizza Parlor
"Tie Me Up and Feed Me Pizza"
227 North Bondage Ave.
-L.A. Beautiful-"It's Time For Your Dream Body"
Visit us at www.labeautiful.com
All Types Of Plastic Surgery including:
-breast augmentation
-breast lifts
-male breast ("moobs") reduction
-hammer toe, (and "screwdriver ear")
-facelift
-tummy tuck
-and many others
Receive $1000 OFF any qualified procedure with this bulletin
Free Limo Service with qualified procedures
(The above is an actual ad that appears periodically in the L.A. Times. Other than the "bulletin" part. You can check out the website if you don't believe me. Only in LA.)
Hey, Athiest Folks, listen up: Christopher Hitchens, a famous non-believer in God, once said, in dismissing belief in a Supreme Being, that "what can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence".
Hey Chris, take a look at that billboard some of your co-doofuses put up; right back at you, buddy.
...and blessed are the bewildered, not because they're cool or anything, but because they can use all the help they can get...
Solicitations: Apollo 13, Dodgers 5
Love and advertising,
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
