"...and in closing, allow me to give you the same advise I give all the students and young people, kids much like yourselves, (only not as green and without the second heads), from the All John All The Time World Church Youth Corps, about the future and their role in the world, as they graduate from college and prepare to take their rightful places in society: clean mind, clean body; take your pick."
I'm practicing the commencement speech I've been asked to give at the Humidorianian Military Academy And Currency Exchange, on the planet HumidorPrime, next week. It's quite an honor, considering the Humidorianians have NEVER had an "outlander" address the graduating class of their highly respected and galactically known military academy. (The Humidorianians train space pilots, navigators, astrogators, alligators, communicators, sea urchins and the '78 Reds to be responsible and highly competent members of astronaut teams that are sent out into space, "to boldly go where no man has gone before", (thank you, Gene Roddenberry), to explore, colonize and govern (and introduce WalMarts to) new worlds and civilizations.
I've never been to HumidorPrime before, but as the Pope Guy of the AJATTWC, it's certainly not the first time the Bored Of Elders of the church has sent me to some God-forsaken rathole, err, sorry, some new and exciting place that offers new challenges and experiences for your Pope and Harley Dog, who I usually drag along on these trips to provide company and another, totally unbiased, opinion of local customs and culture. (Harley has WAY more culture than I'll ever have; he's better looking too.) (Oh, by the way, "the Harley Dog" I mentioned above is Harley, my sidekick, roommate and the "official" canine of the AJATTWC, as well as being the back-up navigator onboard my atomic powered rocket ship, the Royal Unionship Kidding, which he and I refer to as the "RU Kidding" for short. His picture appears -->. Mine doesn't.)
We'll be taking the RU Kidding obviously, since it isn't likely we can get the Popemobile to exceed the Speed Of Aroma, as the Kidding is capable of doing, and since HumidorPrime is just under 23.6 light years away, or about as far as the Dodgers are from the World Series, you can just bet your '97 Camry with 103,000 on it isn't going to get us there. The Kidding is outfitted with HyperAromaDrive, which is the thingie that allows the ship to travel at speeds well in excess of the threshold of Aroma Speed. (The best way to explain the "Speed Of Aroma" is to liken it to other measurements of time/distance, e.g. the speed of light, which is a visual comparison, or the speed of sound, which is obviously aural in nature, and the speed of aroma, which is an olfactory comparison.)
Zero to sixty measured in nanoseconds; "God Of Wind", eat your heart out.
I'm quite pleased at having been picked for this honor; not only have the Humidorianians never had someone other than a planetary "big-wig" give the commencement speech at the Academy, they've never had a Galactic figure of, and please allow me a moment of unrestrained conceit here, my prominence and notoriety to address the Kadets at their graduation. I am humbled and thrilled by the prospect.
Anyway, you'll have to excuse me; I need to get back to rehearsing my speech so I have it down cold. The technology on HumidorPrime is a little behind ours; they have no TelePrompters, so I to rely on the old memory for this one. Shit, the Popephone is ringing...
"PJTT...hey, Mike, how are the arrangements for the flight to HumidorPrime coming?...great...excellent...hey, make sure the guys in the back get our clubs loaded onboard; I hear Humidor has a bunch of great gerbil golf courses I want to check out...thanks...so, what's up?...yeah...whatta' mean, "there was a little mix-up with the invitation"?...they want WHO?...WHAT!?!...are you kidding?..."isn't that the name of your spaceship?", ha-ha, very funny...how's Harley going to give a commencement speech, HE'S A DOG, FOR CHRISSAKE...fine, that's just great, so what am I supposed to do?...no...no...no, I'm not going.. forget it, I'm not going to be a glorified "dog-walker" for them...no...I don't care, send them a message and square it somehow...no...no...a year's supply of Thin Mints?...(large sigh of resignation here)...all right, I'll do it...yes, yes, I'll go, okay, are you happy now?...I gotta' go...yeah...tell the Bored this sucks, okay, but I'm doin' it...yeah, okay, call me later."
Shit.
That was my consigliore, the Right Reverend Monsignor Michael Jordan (no, not the one that owns the Charlotte Bobcats); he tells me that someone in the AJATTWC office read the invitation from the Humidorianians incorrectly, and that it was Harley that they wanted at the Commencement, not me, and not to give a speech, but to just "be there" to add his "presence" to the proceedings. The invite said that they wanted someone of Harley's "high moral fiber" to be in attendance, to act as an example for the newly graduated Midshippersons (they're politically correct on HumidorPrime as well) to emulate.
Geez.
Please allow me to repeat what I said to Mike: "HE'S A DOG, FOR CHRISSAKE!"
Now granted, the Harley Dog is easily the best dog ever, hands down, no argument, settled in advance, Walter Cronkite's "...and that's the way it is...", done deal, the absolutely best dog ever. He's smart, affectionate, silly, funny and a great companion, but he's still a dog, and HE CAN'T TALK, YOU MORONS, HOW THE HELL IS HE GOING TO GIVE A SPEECH, HUH?
Geez.
Oh, that's right, the Humidorianians just want him there to add his "grace, dignity and class". I'll grant you Harley has more g, d and c than most people I know, but...okay, he's got way more than I have, even, but hey, no speech? No applause, no bright lights?
Boy, what a downer. Miley Cyrus won't be this depressed on the day she finds out she has no talent, assuming she ever does.
(Another large sigh of resignation here.) I guess it could be worse; I could be going with my ex-.
I understand from several people I know who are familiar with the Humidorianian Military Academy that it's a pretty straight-laced institution; to quote Dean Wormer (what a great name) from the movie "Animal House", "...no fun of any kind..." is allowed. There's a curfew during the school week, and staff monitors in all the hallways at all times, periodic, unannounced inspections, no alcohol or "drugs" allowed, no pets, and a security deposit is required. Essentially, it's the Alcatraz of institutions of higher learning.
(Segue begins here.)
And the students of the Academy are apparently not as free and fun-loving as their student counterparts in Germany. Or as open about how they intend to pay for their education, either, I suspect.
According to a report from Rueters, datelined Berlin: "One in three university students in the German capital would consider sex work as a means to finance their education, a study from the Berlin Studies Center said Wednesday."
These are German kids? Offspring of Freud and Wagner? Sex-workers? Boy, what's wrong with that picture? I mean, if this were France, or Italy, or Holland or even Lower Zimbabwe (home of the ebert), I could probably understand it, but GERMANY? Naw, no way, no way a bunch of uptight, sauerkraut-eating German kids pay for their schooling doing Johans Unter Den Lindens. (FYI, prostitution is legal in Berlin, however cow-tipping is still prohibited.)
The study by the Center also queried young people in Paris, France, where the percentage of students who said they would consider being a "sex-worker" (things are screwed up somewhere in the world when "sex" has to be considered "work") was somewhat lower (29.2%) than the Berlin figure, and also in Kiev, Russia, where the college attendees who were asked if they would consider prostitution as a way to pay for their education mostly wanted to know if that meant sex with humans or what exactly, before they would answer the survey questions. Upon answering, only 18.5%, or 1 in 1693, of the students in the Russian city who were surveyed said that they would consider being a prostitute as a means to earn money for tuition. (86.3% said they would consider doing it for free vodka.)
The report went on to add this interesting little tidbit of information: "The study found some 4 percent of the 3,200 Berlin students surveyed said they had already done some form of sex work, which includes prostitution, erotic dancing and Internet shows."
You know, these kids could be on to something; I mean, think of the possibilities for the Congresscritters in Washington.
Committee Chairman: "Mr. Representative, you want a new military base built in your state? No problem. Just one question: how do you intend to pay for it?"
Congressperson Weasel: "A tax increase?"
CC: "No, no, legislationboy, the people are already neck deep in taxes, try again."
CW: "How about one of those, whatta' call them, you know, the things we always attach to bills that we think the taxpayers won't notice..."
CC: "You mean an "earmark"?
CW: "Yeah, one of those "landmark" thingies, how 'bout we pay for it with one of those?"
CW: "Mr. Weasel, you're apparently unaware of a new policy that was recently agreed to between the House, Senate and the White House; it's called "You Pay? You Lay", and basically it sets out the guidelines for a new way of paying for the various stupid, useless, tax-revenue wasting projects that Congresspersons, like yourself, are always proposing. In other words, Mr. Representative, if you want it, you're going to have to earn it. The hard way."
In deference to the level of good taste I'm trying to maintain in my posts, (really? since when?), I'll refrain from making the obvious connection that already exists between prostitution and politics. (Too easy.)
I love this: "The main motivation of students to turn to prostitution were the financial incentives, namely the high hourly wages," Eva Blumenschein, one of the study's authors and a 26-year-old student at Berlin's Humboldt University, told Reuters.
Hourly wages? Prostitutes are paid by the hour in Berlin? Boy, leave it to the Germans to get the railroads running on time. Sex by the hour? Oh yeah, that's romantic.
Well, I can see from the sundial on the wall that I should wrap this up; I still have to practice my, shit, I guess I don't have to practice my speech, now that I think about it.
I didn't want to give that speech anyway.
You know, if they're using sex to pay for tuition in Berlin, you have to wonder what they're doing in Harzzel, on the planet Xanthous, where not only is prostitution legal, but it's also an athletic competition.
Hell, they even allow female Xanthousianians with three breasts to charge an extra "handling" fee.
But there's no student discounts. Period.
Love and matriculation (no, that's not something you do with your teeth),
PJTT
copyright 2011 Krissongs, Inc.
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